I've had a pleasant couple of days - working and seeing friends and making plans for the summer. I saw two friends today - separate meetings - and both of them had an opinion on my situation. The first has noticed how happier and settled I am in the last couple of months, and is urging me to get the ball rolling on a divorce and start dating. The second is saying that H needs to feel the loss of me, that he will get worse before he gets better, but I should take care of myself and have faith that he will come back to himself and want to make a repair.
I found both pretty irritating to be honest, and I don't know why. I don't feel like dating - I do miss intimacy, but that is something that comes slowly, in time, through getting to know someone gradually and at the moment I'd rather fill my time with friends and work and self care than invest into that given that every relationship has problems and difficulties and I really don't feel like putting myself through the ups and downs of that right now. I don't think I have much to give someone new at the moment - I don't mean that in a low self esteem way. I just mean, I don't feel like validating or caring or listening to someone. I realise that sounds selfish. Perhaps it is. I just want to please myself and my children for a while! I also don't feel like sitting at home keeping my heart open until H realises what he is missing (as my second friend suggested) - it's not about what he misses or doesn't miss, it's about what I want and I don't want to make the effort it would take to hold the door open for him anymore. I am not feeling the same contempt as I did a couple of days ago (it might come back!) but I am seeing that there's nothing much he has on offer that I want, and feeling at peace with that.
I don't know what that means about where I am at in terms of detachment, but I have decided I am not going to speak about my situation much with friends anymore. There's really nothing new to report and I want to fill my time and my mind with other things right now. It's been nearly seven months since he moved out, I am bored with being the LBS and I don't want to live that way any longer. I am not LB I am just me.
I've had a couple of very minor contacts with H. I've been friendly but brisk - and I've noticed him watching me very carefully, as if for a reaction. He asked me if there was anything wrong. I said 'no, not at all,' then said goodbye in a friendly way. I don't let him into the house and he doesn't try to come in.
