Is it too late.. divorce pending?

[BluWave]

Hi,

I am sorry you are here. This is a great place for support and advice because everyone here is essentially going through, or already did, a similar sitch. It takes a very long time, but it will get better, whether you save the M or not.

I wanted to backtrack a moment. And I am sorry to be blunt. What is it you would like to save? Can you tell us more about the type of partner you are looking for in him? Is he worth the effort is what I am getting at?

You are describing a man that has been dishonest, had multiple As and is coming/going as he pleases. You said you want to make sure you are doing this (DBing and saving the M) right, however my first thought is -- why do you want to save the M? He even told you he filed for D and then he still comes/goes as he wants? Ouch. :-(

I tend to take a little bit of a different approach here. I read posts by women that describe how poorly their H is treating them and in the same breath they want to know how they can win this guy back. I have literally cringed reading these things. My thoughts are -- don't you want a man that treats you and your kids right? Don't you deserve this? Why are you trying to save this?

Yes, this is a M saving site. Mostly, what we learn here as we do the readings and attempt to start the hard work (GAL, 180s and detachment) is that we cannot make another person change. We cannot make them come back to us, we cannot make them be a good partner and we cannot save THEM at all! We cannot control other people. Ever. People sometimes get frustrated and leave when we tell them that, but really think about it -- how can you save a M by forcing someone to do something they don't want to do?

What we absolutely can do is save ourselves after being wounded by another! We can treat ourselves the way we deserve to be treated, we can value ourselves more than to cling on to a toxic person, and we can find our strong/beautiful/worthy self. This serves two purposes: we learn to be a happier, healthier and confident person again (because let's face it, we lose that in this mess) and 2, it increases the chance they even want to come back at all. So yes, letting them go and focusing on us, is ultimately also what may attract them back to us.

Blu