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[SteveLW]

Wow botanygirl, I read all of that. I am so sorry you are back here. However, I think I picked up on some things that can potentially help, or at least provide insight. I also like to use sitches as cautionary tales for other posters.

First, I do not feel you did the work to get out of your first marriage. You call it "lazy". I call it moving on to a new relationship too quickly. I am a firm believer that people need to earn their way out of relationship. That includes seeing it through to the end BEFORE starting a new relationship. The reason that is so important is so that you do not carry emotional baggage into the a new relationship. And look at your post above. New "H" holding the fact you aren't D'd until it was final, over your head. You having problems with arguments, driving to resolution, not understanding when to let it go when he's had enough. I am going to guess that those were dynamics at play in your previous relationship.

Second, as far as him. It sounds like he has a fair amount or resentment of you getting pregnant. I know it wasn't planned by you but he still feels trapped by the fact that 5 months in, he now felt an obligation. I applaud you for the decision to have your son, as I feel that is always the right decision, but that doesn't mean you have to follow that up with cohabitation or marriage (even common law), etc. I assume you are successfully coparenting with your EX related to your daughter. You could have done the same with a man you only knew for 5 months as well.

Third, #2 aside, he has a lot of issues. He sounds depressed. He sounds angry. He sounds like he has fallen into the trap of loving another man's child......until he had his own. Whether we like it or not, there is a huge difference between steps and blood children, especially to men. It is a very rare man that can fairly love both his step children and own children in the same way.

BG, I think you can look back and realize that you've made mistake on top of mistake. However, you can't change that. What you can do is start doing the right things from this point forward.

And you've been down the DB road before so you know that you need to GAL. No excuses. "I have kids." "I don't have a lot of extra money." Etc. Get out and GAL.

Detach. You know the drill. Think water off a duck's back. Do not react emotionally to his words (especially!) or actions.

And 180. Stop losing it and yelling at the kids. Stop not stopping when he's said he has had enough. Learn how to disagree in a non-confrontational way (like giving him some time before approaching the issue after the heat of the moment has passed). Figure out what you can do better, and do it.

I do think he has some work to do. He needs to be in IC. (I would recommend that for you too!) He has a lot to work through but that is for him to realize, not you.

If he brings up being done again, I would highly suggest calmly saying to him "Ok. When are you moving out?"