Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Yesterday was amazing. A big tree was across my driveway and at first I didn't think I could manage it on my own, but I pushed it out of the way. I felt empowered and more confident in my abilities. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed with this ranch, but H was gone a lot (deployed at one point) and we only have one S17 left at home.

I spent time off and on clearing out limbs from the storm and felt accomplished. Didn't beat myself up over taking breaks when needed. Realized that living with a judgmental prick for so long, I started judging myself with his yardstick. I'm slowly giving myself 'permission' to be me. It's a struggle because I'm nervous depression could come back and i'd be face down in fudge under the bed again. Last bought lasted approx 18 months. In my head I know that I am not where I was, I am much stronger, but there's always that small whisper of fear. So I'm focusing on today.

And today, I got a call from a friend. A mutual friend of ours "X" attempted suicide. I flew to X's house and my friend was right in front of me. X was in bed crying her head off. It looked like she has been in bed a lot. My heart broke for her. I asked her if I could take her kids to lunch and to my house for a bit, then asked her if I could give her a hug (X and I aren't super close like the other friend and I are, so I didn't know if she would be more upset that I got involved). Her sweet face was just --hopeless.Through her tears she nodded.

I grabbed her and told her that I was exactly where she was 3 years ago, she was NOT alone and we loved her so much. In that moment I realized the lie. That anything is hopeless. That we are alone in our struggles, that anything we have done is worse or better than someone else.

Because of my past, I feel uniquely qualified to be a friend to X. I'm hoping that this crisis wakes her up. I'm praying that God gives me the words of His love and hope that only comes from Him.

Had I not been through what I've been through, I wouldn't have even been out of bed myself.

To anyone reading this who is battling depression, Don't give up!! If your therapist isn't helping you get traction, find a new one! Just don't give up.

I did EMDR along with IC with an amazing therapist and I am a completely new person. Rather, I am my old self pre-trauma. It took a very long time and a lot of bad therapists/counselors/psychiatrists different meds, etc but I am so glad I didn't give up. Unfortunately, it took BD for me kick me back into therapy, but I am thankful every day for finding the RIGHT therapist, and doing the work.

I hope this finds you well and full of hope for a bright future.
x