Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

June tends to be a particularly reflective month since it’s the month I moved out of the house four years ago. I don’t feel any sadness over it, it’s not really an anniversary or milestone... it just is a time-marker.

I have been working so hard at my job the last two weeks and when I got home from work yesterday, I passed out on the couch. I woke up two hours later and ended up going to bed a few hours later than usual since I was rested. Well.... I ended up not being able to fall asleep until 5am. Decided I would arrive at work late and allowed myself to wake up at 9am.

Being so groggy, I’m not in the best of moods and am feeling a little resentful... ok a lot resentful. I need to shift my thinking because it’s robbing my focus today. So here I go to vent a little...

I have two small chips in my car windshield. I know I should get them filled, but it’s not a priority. Driving to work today and looking at those chips was a trigger.

As I’ve eluded several times in my story telling, ex made me get rid of my dream car for the car i have now. He said he needed to get all assets out of his name because he was in a lawsuit and he needed to prove he had nothing to give should he lose the lawsuit. He was hiding cash, sold off other assets including a townhouse, etc. he wanted me to declare bankruptcy with him. Actually he told me we’d have to declare bankruptcy, but not to worry because we weren’t actually bankrupt, it was only supposed to look like we were bankrupt. He said, it would only be on record for 7 years and our lifestyle wouldn’t change except we wouldn’t be able to go on vacation for a couple years.

Thank god in heaven I was adamantly opposed to fraud. I refused. Looking back, i could have had a REal Housewives of New Jersey situation on our hands (if you get the reference). Thank god he didn’t manipulate me into filing bankruptcy- even though he was trying—- “we need to do it for us. For our future”. F you, ex! The compromise was that I would get a new car in my name only. I didn’t want to, but one day he drove us to the lot after marriage counseling and we got the car. In my heart, it wasn’t right, but I was soooo stupid. we were having issues but even though I wasn’t going to commit fraud, I needed to show i still had his back so I got the car in my name. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Two weeks later, I got the ILYBINILWY and that was that. I was getting ready to move out because I loved him and would do anything to make it work. He wanted space. He wanted to “miss me.” So I made the ultimate sacrifice “for us” and I moved out because the house would be a lot for me to take care of on my own. My ex made sure I knew that.

So, then I was on my own with a $500 a month car payment that I didn’t want nor could I afford.... and he was sitting pretty at the house bankrolling another women’s abortion. He had to help her because she was a struggling actress and it would ruin her career. <——- there aren’t enough expletives to explain how I felt/feel about this.

And yet....there I was.... struggling to make ends meet, filled with immense gratitude that I didn’t commit fraud because I would be totally screwed trying to make it on my own with a bankruptcy attached to me.

Here I am 4 years later still unable to move on bc of what he has done to me financially. I know my lawyer is working on it, but I’m stuck. I hate him.

He no longer robs me of joy, but I get those moments where I’m mostly mad at myself for putting up with so much crap for so long... and then being the root of his unhappiness.