Acceptance stage and reconnection

[MLCxH]

Thank you, Sandi. This is very helpful and clears up a lot of confusion for me.

I'm a little late to the party, so I'll try to catch up with your story. I may make a few comments along the way.

It took me more than 9 months after the bomb drop to realize my wife was in MLC.

Was this before or after you read Divorce Remedy?

This was after I read it. However, based on your post I am thinking my wife is more a WAW . There probably is some midlife crisis or transition that made things worse, but she seems to fit WAW more. I also agree the labeling did not help since I started making up my own rules as you correctly said

IMHO, the three "categories" (if I may use that term) have some distinction.

The WAW, IMHO, doesn't have a selfish/hidden agenda when she wants out of the M. Depending on the reasons why she left, she is more likely to cooperate in reconciliation. She's not trying to act like a teenager, nor dress like one. And the big difference in the WAW is that her character doesn't change. Her values don't take a dive, just b/c she walks away from the M. Usually, the WAW will not forsake her children .......whereas the WW & MLCW have been known to do (not all do). The WAW usually has a H who has made her (and/or her children) life intolerable, and walking away seems to be the only option if he doesn't change. The WAW is usually more cooperative with the LBH (kids schedule, etc.). She is usually more about fairness, than a WW or MLCW. IMHO, it's b/c her mindset is not comparable to the WW & MLCW.

This explanation helps a lot and I feel it fits my W more than the other two categories. She has not been trying to dress like a teenager. If anything, she has been dressing up less than she used to. While my intentions have always been good, in her mind she views me as having made her life intolerable. She feels the only way she can be happy is to get away from me and that is what she is doing She has noticed my 180s but I guess 3 months is not sufficient time for her to pull back from a big decision like filing for D.

I think the same basic principles of DB are applicable, whichever category fits your W. With the WW, however, tougher love has to be shown....due to the issue being rooted in a lack of respect for her H.

I have noticed that when I show tough love, it actually pushes her away. This may be consistent with her being a WAW instead of an MLC. That being said I need to focus on the basic principles of DB and keep moving forward as you said.

Thanks once again, Sandi. This post at least helps me keep my shortcomings in the MR in perspective and get over any anger I have left for W for walking away.