Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[LB55]

So today is 6 months from when I was served D papers when I got off the airport shuttle at 10pm. It was 28 degrees outside. I had flown in from San Diego, she had said she and the kids would meet me at the shuttle drop off. Obviously that was a lie as a courier met me there and gave me a stack of paperwork. I was devastated; it was four days before Christmas, had been gone for a year with the military and all I wanted was to come home. Instead I got a restraining order that said I could never go home.

I had no place to live, a backpack of old shirts and socks(she claimed this was her being compassionate and providing what I needed to get by with), and a key to my vehicle. I had a court date in 7 days. No L answered the phone for 5 of those days because it was Christmas. I was allowed by the paperwork to see the kids under the supervision of her parents at her parents house for 2 hours on one day(not Christmas or Christmas eve). They treated me like a dog; I was required to sit on the floor in a corner of the living room in order to see the kids. After that the only contact I had with the kids was a weekly phone call for 30 minutes for over 5 weeks. I seriously felt like a prisoner.

It was the lowest I have ever been in my life.

Fast forward 6 months, things are better but not great, I have a place to live, we have temporary orders in place that aren't my favorite but are ok in the short term. I've decided to stop fighting with her, continue working on my communication skills, and do what I can for the kids. It is my belief that fighting happens when one party isn't listening to the other. So I work on that. My communication skills, awareness of other peoples feelings and emotions, and validation ability has improved dramatically. I focus on listening to people, not getting distracted, and actually hearing what they say. I am still quite hurt by the situation, but I don't focus as much energy on thinking about it anymore, it just isn't worth it. I have some regular nights out with guys from work, I do things on weekends when I don't have the kids, i do things with the kids when we are together.

It occurred to me the other day; I can't recall the last time W apologized to me. For anything. Not just since BD or D filing; I can't recall her EVER doing it. I'm sure it has happened in 15 years. Its not a regular occurrence though. Most disagreements we had somehow resulted in me apologizing for things I didn't even do in order to get her to stop attacking me. It resulted in me never having my own opinion without first figuring out what her opinion was(this is total NGS), and I lost myself in the process.

In summary, things are ok with me right now. I still haven't been inside my own home. I still have a desire to R at some point; she isn't even close on that front as far as I can tell. She has a long ways to go before that could happen. Still no action from her to stop blaming others for her problems, no action to take responsibility for her decisions(everyone else makes her do things), and no visible progress on her emotional issues from her childhood. She hasn't done anything to proceed with D. I waffle on whether I want to push it or not. One day I want it done, another I want to keep the path open without finishing the D. At this point she is still my W. God will make happen what needs to happen.