Am I doing this right??

[Goddess8]

Doing some thinking and reading....

I am probably going to catch flack for this thought since we focus so much on healing ourselves as LBS's.

BUT once we are on our path of healing and working on our own emotional journey is there ever a time to reflect on our S's pain? It seems what they are going through gets disregarded because of their behavior. But people are not their behavior. If at the heart of their anger, nasty spew, and rebellious antics is someone deaply hurt and struggling then once we are healing ourselves shouldn't we show them kindness and compassion? If they begin treating us LBS kindly again consistently is it really a manipulation? Is it automatically to be viewed as malicious? Or self serving? Is there ever a point in their behavior that begins to signal they are seeing reality and begining to cautiously peek out and see how they are going to be received? If as an LBS you have worked hard to lovingly detach and their antics no longer emotionally affect you does having a conversation automatically keep setting you up as plan b? If you are still married, still wear your ring but they are still having an affair doesn't that still send the subconscious message that you are still here? Still plan b?

We as LBS have been hurt by our spouses, but when do we consider their feelings? Is that the true point of validation? To listen and consider what they are saying they feel with open mind and heart? Not to let them continually beat us over the head with our wrong doings and also not do the same to them? Is it possible we've DB'd so hard to heal ourselves and misunderstood detaching practices that when and if the S figures out they do want the marriage they are terrified of being emotionally flayed. They are already raw by that point surely. If they are at the point of "oh crap" they KNOW they messed up big. Depending on what stage they are in they could be starting OP withdrawl or in the middle of it.

I think as an LBS part of being the greener grass is less about our physical appearances and or our emotional growth(both hugely important) but our unconditional love held for our spouses. We know they messed up. They know they messed up. Isn't true unconditional love seeing a person for all their flaws and mistakes and bad behavior and loving the person anyway? Especially if they want to change?

Is it possible potential begining reconciliation attempts are made with a very small whisper that most miss? The DR book says watch for small steps forward. Do we get so busy seeing the big picture and trying to protect our own hearts that we miss the small cracks in the cement they encased theirs with? I'd hate to miss the forest for the trees.