Thank you LH and AS. That is actually discouraging to be honest. I am starting to wonder why what we are doing is called divorce busting instead of something like 'healing after divorce'. If W is noticing our 180s, not angry and even happy to be connected to us but at the same time wants to be divorced there is no busting the divorce, just moving on right?
A lot more divorces would be busted if people got here just a little sooner than they do. 6 months to a year before BD a lot of these situations could be curbed before BD happens. But like LH said, once someone has been BD'd then the chances of saving the M are quite slim. So the focus changes from trying to save THAT marriage to trying to help people become "the spouse only a fool would leave" in the hopes that they can build a new R with that person down the road. So yes in a sense you are right that it's "healing after D" but we're not telling you to give up all hope on recon. We're just saying it's probably not going to happen on the timeline YOU want it to.
I think there's a forward in DR where Michele mentions she regrets not clarifying the timeline for DB'ing, that a lot of people read Divorce Busting and had the impression it was a fast process saving the M when in fact it can take a significant amount of time. Her rough estimate was to expect a month of work for every year of marriage, which would put most people in a year+ timeframe that we often mention. But every situation is unique and the timeline can be shorter or much longer.
The beauty of DB'ing is you start all of this self-improvement with the goal of rebuilding your M, but by the time you heal and become stronger and more confident, we've given you the tools for a far better R no matter who it is with. People sometimes complain there aren't enough "success stories" but nearly everyone on here eventually is a success story even if their M isn't saved.
When I came here I was in horrible shape, as bad or worse than anyone else here. Just absolutely despondent. I could see no path forward other than saving my M, it was either that or count the days until blessed death closed my eyes. Now it all just seems like a bad dream, almost like someone else went through it rather than me. The W that I thought I couldn't live without is just a friend now, a coparent to our kids. I'm physically and mentally stronger, I'm no longer codependent on her or anyone else, my career has thrived, I'm financially independent and stable, I have a fantastic relationship with my kids and I have an awesome young girlfriend that I really enjoy spending time with. DB'ing is what got me there, I mean I did all the "heavy lifting" but before DB'ing I had no idea what to do. DB'ing was my roadmap, my plan of action. It gives you order at a time you feel like you're living in chaos.
Originally Posted by LH19
Then there is the entire timeframe of the process. I truly believe over a 5 year period more then half will get a chance to reconcile but most won’t because it’s too late. Once time goes by you will realize life is too short to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. (Read my tagline)
Exactly right. Many (maybe most) LBS's eventually do get an opportunity to reconcile and turn it down. Some because they "don't want to go through that again" and others because when someone refuses to love you, well eventually you quit loving them too. It's hard for most newer LBS's to believe that they will ever fall out of love with their WAS, but it absolutely does happen.
