My H and I are both Active Duty military and he took an assignment 2 years ago that I agreed to because he said it was the best for him to be set for after retirement. It turned out that he did it to get away from me, but the plan for for all of us to go together. It's been almost 2 years since he left. He has been back in the area multiple times since, he has always stayed with me and our 2 kids, playing house. Then when he would go back to his duty station he would be radio silent...
He served me with D papers last Nov. right after we returned from all being together in WDW. He said he had to because he didn't want me to think that we were okay just because we took a family vacation. The day I got the D papers I had to take our S-10 to the ER because he had a detach retina. The Big D had been on the back burner until Mar of this year when I went to get a settlement agreement, bc he tried to do No-fault & I didn't think that was fair considering we had 2 children.
I have not received anything back from him and it's been months since I sent him the paper work. Fast forward to now. H will be in the area I am (for work) so he initially said he would take 4 wks vacation to spend time with the kids. Initially I told him it wouldn't be best for him to stay with me and the kids anymore, then he shortened his vacation to 2 weeks after I told him that (due to costs for hotel, car). I prayed about it and told him that he could stay with me, but I really wanted him to still take the kids to see his family out of state for 2 weeks.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I know that it's the only opportunity I have to show up, since he lives so far away and we don't really communicate otherwise. The other times that he had stayed with us he acts like we are still married at times, cooking/cleaning, driving when we go somewhere. For the most part I get him set up in a spare bedroom, but a few times he's ended up in mine and it really confuses things, at least for me.
Prior to this, we had a lot of issues. H had multiple EA and 1 PA that I know of. We went to MC and she was the best. She gave me DB in one of my private sessions. He always frequently viewed sites on the internet... I'm pretty sure he still does.
I think that the MLC happened after his friend was killed by a driver, while he was riding his bike. He was never the same after he attended the funeral that was 4 years ago.
I also think that it's important to mention that after he left I didn't really practice DB, didn't GAL, I did the opposite for almost 2 years, I gained quite a bit of weight. Is it too late now to start DB?
Thanks if you made it through this and I apologize if the flow it choppy, Suzy
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
However, I see he is addicted to porn, conducting EAs and had 1 PA you know about.
So rule #1 for you should not be to make saving the MR the highest priority. In fact, you should be walking away from him. If he ever wants to come back, DO NOT LET HIM WALTZ BACK IN. He has a lot of work to do, some serious therapy to undergo, and needs to put in work to come back.
So DB. But even if he is responsive, make sure he does his own work to come back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh, and I would tell him he is not welcome in the MBR anymore. Guest bedroom, or out of the house, but not in the MBR. He is a cheater with a porn addiction. Protect yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you. I'm actually reading that section about online activity in DR right now and I was always told that "I'm insecure" "everyone does it" and that "it's normal".
I completely agree with you, I just hope that something will happen for him to realize that he needs to put in some work on himself. He thinks that he has no issues to resolve.
Today I went to the gym and exercised for an hour. It felt really nice to take some time out for me. I should have done this as soon as H walked away. Here's to finally practicing GAL!!!
Suzy, I agree with Steve, your priority should be in protecting you and the kids rather than trying to lure your H back. If you know of multiple EA and 1 PA then it's a safe bet there are many more you don't know about. Most cheaters will never give up their cheating ways, so I don't see him repenting of that unless he truly hits rock bottom and realizes he has destroyed his life.
I also agree with Steve that he should NOT be allowed into your bedroom, in fact I think your first inclination of not letting him come home at all was the right one. Let him deal with the inconvenience of a hotel room, that's on him for leaving you.
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I think that the MLC happened after his friend was killed by a driver, while he was riding his bike. He was never the same after he attended the funeral that was 4 years ago.
Could be, but my response to that is that he is a grown-ass man that should know better than to wreck his family over the loss of someone close. If that's how he conducts his grief management then he is a hot mess.
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I'm actually reading that section about online activity in DR right now and I was always told that "I'm insecure" "everyone does it" and that "it's normal".
Sure everyone does it, but "normal" is looking now and then. If he's spending a lot of time looking at porn then he is addicted and that is most definitely not normal and should not be acceptable to you.
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He thinks that he has no issues to resolve.
Exactly why you need to leave him be. He's got to figure out YOU are not the problem, HE is. And that might take him a long while.
Don't worry about the distance, that's actually a good thing. The more he's away from you the more he will realize you're not the source of his problems.
Never too late to make changes. Make them about you. Great advice given by previous posters
I'm reading DR too.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Thank you AS. I’m trying to figure out what to do since he will be here on Sunday. My sister will be visiting as well, then I go to work on Monday... so I’m just planning to go to the gym maybe 2x a day to give him more 1:1 time with the kids. In the past, we would do family dinners where he and I cooked, had wine and even one day he said hey hun it’s pizza and movie night right?! Just like old times.
I do miss that, but I don’t want to fall back into letting him cake eat so I will definitely be loving from a distance and keeping myself busy. I want to use this time to get focus on my physical health because that when to sh!t once he left and I put in a lot of weight by emotional eating.
I’m glad to have this outlet to vent during those times it’s tough for me.
