She is acting out, i.e., like a teenager. Many of the teens listen to music, etc., w/those buds in their ears all day long. It's their way of drowning out the "white noise" around them. They want to be in their own little world and not have to communicate w/others unless it is something that they want or need themselves. In your case, have you given any thought that this is her way of ignoring you or discouraging you from communicating w/her?
Trust me, if she is in crisis, she will work out her issues in her own way on her time clock, not yours. Rational people deal w/their issues head on....but people in crisis circle around and around the barrel for quite some time before they hit the brick wall and actually focus on things. Sounds like your wife is in replay and teenager she is. Try to remember that you can't reason w/someone who is emotional or irrational. Yes, we think that what she's doing isn't normal, but to her, she is quite normal and okay. You can't reason w/her right now.
Keep the focus on you and what you need to do in order to stay sane.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
