I'm not begging, pleading, or anything like that; I'm just hurting.
Of course you are! And she knows that, but just try to hold it together as best you can.
Quote
I'd like some advice on how to address the actual S, because as I said in previous posts, I'm confused and we haven't discussed it much at all.
You don't have children, right? So that makes S a lot less complicated. Really all there is to resolve is what she is taking versus leaving, and how much you will pay her if you choose to do so. I asked my XW to make a list of everything she planned on taking so I could review it to see if I agreed with it all (note that I made her do all the legwork for S). Then we sat down together and reviewed the list and negotiated back and forth a bit. Remember what I said before, don't agree to anything you don't feel is fair just because you hope to appease her because there is no appeasing her right now.
Quote
I don't however have a great understanding of her complaints (and thus not sure how to 180)
My XW never told me anything she wanted me to change, when we did MC she had no complaints about me, just said she didn't want to be married anymore. To this day she never has said much about it. But DB'ing gives you a lot of tips on 180's- listening and validating, controlling your anger, getting rid of NGS, getting out and GALing, etc. So focus on that.
Quote
nor do I have an understanding of how she's approaching the S. Is this really about getting space to gain clarity, or is this just purgatory because we're too afraid to D?
Right now she's planning to D later, I don't think there's any question of that. But if you leave her alone and remove all pressure that may very well go on hold indefinitely.
Quote
how much of this stuff is worth talking about?
Don't talk, just listen and validate. If you're asked questions then answer briefly. Try to keep the focus on W.
Quote
I don't expect her to say "In n months, I'll know" but there has to be least some structure, right?
No, because anything she says right now no matter how permanent-sounding is simply a reflection of her current feelings. They will change in a year, or a month, or even in 5 minutes. That's why we call it "script" and "spew" and why Sandi says believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. She's acting emotionally right now and there's no making sense out of it.
