Well, I am not very good at DBing... And I do think there's a lot of benefit in the 'fake it until you make it' type of attitude. And I think even if you feel like shouting at someone and calling them names (not suggesting this is what you did...) then it is better to talk to them calmly, even if you don't feel calm.
I guess the congruent thing to do with anger is to say 'I can't interact with you respectfully right now so I am going out,' or something like that?
I also think that sometimes we LBS seem to attribute a lot more planning and control to the WS than they actually have. It's probably not accurate, and it also keeps us as victims. My H has treated me appallingly and I have allowed it, for reasons of my own (and that's on me) - but I really don't think he ever planned to 'throw some crumbs and keep her as plan B until I decide what I want' - I just think he's confused and flailing and doesn't have the self control or emotional intelligence or relationship skills to take responsibility, say what he wants and move towards it. None of that makes his behaviour acceptable, of course - but if the cake-eating has happened in my situation, it's because I've been feeding him, not because he's been engineering the situation. The worst thing is - I'm not even really a LBS, I kicked him out!
So I don't feed him things I don't want to give him. Right now that means I am basically civil when I open the door to him, but nothing else.
It sounds like your wife is really sad about the situation. It is sad. She'll no doubt be in pain and confusion. So are you. I think you don't have a responsibility to comfort her or shield her from the consequences of her decisions and where you are both at now. She feels insecure about your affections and seems to want reassurance, and that's because you are very uncertain.
Another way of looking at cake-eating that has been helpful to me is that cake-eating denies the facts of the situation. The facts of my situation are that I don't like how my H treats me and it isn't acceptable. I won't accept it. I don't enjoy his company and I don't believe him when he says he wants to work on things. Those things are true, and I try to keep my actions consistent with those facts.
