Nothing new to report here. NC with H other than drop offs for Youngest at the door. I say hello in a friendly way but don't ask him how he is or anything, and make sure my focus and attention is on Youngest. He sent an affectionate good morning text message the other day and I deleted it as soon as I saw what it was. It's easy to be nice to someone over text. I don't want to be around someone who can't manage basic civility in person consistently.
Been concentrating on GAL - booked a holiday for me and the kids in the summer, also a special weekend for Eldest and me while Youngest is with his father one weekend. Also working really steadily on this application - gosh it is boring, but if I get it my work will be even more flexible, and a little better paid - and those are two things that will be good for me no matter what happens.
I got some good news about a work project yesterday. Something I've been working on for a couple of years now coming to fruition, and there's a chance there could be a really good financial bonus in it for me. Not life-changing, but substantial. Usually I would want to ring H and share the good news with him right away. My first thought this time was 'I don't want to have to share this cash with him when we divorce.' I'm not saying that's a particularly kind or fair or pleasant thought, but it was where my head was at - the wish to protect myself rather than connect with him.
I don't know if detachment and dropping the rope happens all at once like this (I feel like a switch has been flicked - or at least, I was moving towards the final break - first by how he was when I needed to take Eldest to hospital, then by how he was when he was in my house last week...) but all desire to have his attention or approval or affection seems to have gone entirely. I don't know if I will slip back into my old ways, but I can't really see it happening today.
The challenge here is to guard myself against contempt. I am feeling a fair bit of that towards him and I don't like it. It makes no difference to him - of course - but I don't want to be bitter. If there's a time in the future where we can co-parent in a friendly and amicable way, that would be better for the kids, and while he's not capable of that now, I don't want to be so corroded by bitterness that I'm not up to it either, should the opportunity arise.
So today I am working, staying in to get a parcel, and doing a bit of cleaning.
The cleaning is a strange thing too. When he first left the house was spic and span - you could eat your dinner off of my floors! He was always so controlling about housework and had such weirdly high standards that I think I thought if he could see how well I was obeying his desires he would want to come back. Then I went through a phase of doing nothing at all - the house was pretty untidy and mucky - just because I was relishing not having to live under his instruction. Now I think the way my house is has nothing to do with him at all, and I am just finding out what my own preferences and standards are.
I know all that sounds quite trivial, but it is a sign of progress for me. Up until about a month ago I was still getting sweaty palms at the thought of him coming to pick up Youngest and seeing that my bed was unmade. Today, I can't actually remember if I made it or not and at the moment, I don't care.
