We also have time carved out on Wednesday to go through our finances together. Her current position is that I should help her with a chunk of the rent of the new place, and that we should maintain the current status of a shared bank account, and shared cards that we use for things. I don't have much of an opinion on the former, but on the latter I feel it is obvious that if we are to separate effectively, we have to separate financially as well.
Just to reiterate what R2C said, get everything separated ASAP. No joint account, no joint CC's. You've got to protect yourself and if she is MLC or GGW-prone (which you won't know until it's too late) then she can quickly rack up some serious debt that you will be half responsible for. If you come to some kind of agreement that you'll be paying for part of her rent or bills then establish what the fixed dollar amount is up front and transfer it to her account each month and let her pay her bills herself. Don't fall for the "oh but this is just temporary so let's leave the joint accounts in place" BS. She fully intends for it to be permanent. She may change her mind later, but for now that's what she's thinking. Also, hopefully this goes without saying but her new place and bills need to ALL be in her name. Don't cosign!
Also I'm not sure what her financial status is, does she work? Is her income comparable to yours? If so then you shouldn't be paying her a cent. Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you give her money it will earn you a spot in her good graces. It won't. I loved my XW very much and would have done anything to keep her in the M. But when she decided to separate I (thanks to advice from here) refused to leave the house, refused to accept less than 50-50 custody of the kids, and refused to give her a penny in support even though I made more than her. You can't buy a WAS back. By standing by my conditions I took some control back in a situation that felt completely beyond my control. And I earned some respect back too, she knew she couldn't just walk all over me.
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Starting to put some plans in place, too: reconnected with friends, joined to sports leagues, reached out about two volunteer opportunities. Time to be the best me.
Awesome!
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I let slip that I preferred for us to get as much space as we need to gain clarity on our situation. I'm concerned I played my card, which is no contact and GAL. If she's expecting it, I gain no value from it, right?
No I don't think telling her matters much, don't sweat it. But it IS important to back it up with actions. She'll believe your actions much more than your words. By the way the "value" is to you, not her. It will help you learn to cope with the situation. It's going to be hard at first but after a while you are going to start feeling much better about yourself. In-house separation is absolute hell to go through, physical separation is actually easier.
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I'm growing concerned that this guarantees a friendzone outcome, where she's closed the door on our romantic life together and is only interested in opening it back up for a platonic friendship.
If you do what you say and go dark, then it'll become clear to her that you're not interested in being her buddy.
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The other side of this argument is that after we S and I go no contact, GAL, work on myself, etc., if there truly is a future for us, it's going to be Phase 2, not Phase 1. Phase 1 is over, that part of our lives is dead. It seems unlikely that Phase 2 will be just like where we left off, so wouldn't that basically mean that it has to start over again the same way our original relationship did, which was a friendship that turned into more?
Yes that is exactly right. Your old M is dead and gone. You might have a new R with her in the distant future though, only time will tell.
