dilly, I would bet my house (and it's a pretty nice one) that your H has or had at least 1 OW. Honestly. Here are the main things H's having As do, and your H has done them ALL. 1. He moved out of the family home. 2. He has a flat you cannot see and other "secretive" behavior, 3. He is moody and hot/cold with you, even tho at times he wants to keep you as plan B. That is all I need to know to be 100% certain there is OW. Sorry to be blunt, my dear, but I want you to accept it. I think accepting it will help you detach. I see you taking responsibility for your M issues, but I think It's time to get mad! MAD at him for leaving his W and family. ... ok, sorry, hijack over. ...
Goddess, ooohhhh, I have so many thoughts about your sitch. And I will preface them by saying that I have a bit of a different twist on DB technique when it comes to the wayward H, as evidenced by my advice to dilly above. I tend to lean the focus less towards positive validation and more towards indifference and detachment, even if at times it comes across as cold. Yes, it is a fine line, but one that can be walked if you are careful and delicate. From what I read in your sitch, you have done a good job at this, I would suggest you start to pull back further and further on him now. Let him pursue, and you distance. It is okay if he starts to think it might be too late and he is losing you. Good! He needs to make some changes and get on with them! You are not sitting there waiting for him.
Quite simply, these fools (WHs) need to see what they are losing. We gotta flip the script on them! It pains me that I read so many women here trying so hard to get their Hs to come back around, work on the R with them, take responsibility for the M problems, and worse, validating their Hs cr4ppy behaviors! What happens is the result is that they are becoming doormats and not strong and confident women that he even wants to come home to. No, no, no ladies, YOU are the prize (and the Goddess) and these guys need to SEE what they are going to miss out on and also they need to start to FEEL the loss of you! So I ask you now, what kind of woman does he see in front of him? ..... At times it can feel like a silly game, but it's actually not a game, it's more of a truth, a truth that your wounded selves struggle to see right now. YOU ARE THE PRIZE AND YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. Do not lower your standards because of your past mistakes. We all make mistakes.
In terms of MLC, I am just going to say (again, this is my opinion) that it is a BS term. In fact, It think using the term can cause harm because it creates an excuse or explanation for bad behavior, as if it cannot be corrected. All behavior can be changed. The term Midlife Crisis is also not a medical diagnosis or condition that is even recognized by psychology. People can have a crisis at any point in their life and there could be 100 reasons for it, and it's not as if age alone determines that (which the title suggests). Also, if a person is having a crisis, they are ultimately still responsible for the way they treat their S and their children. I read too many people here wanting to explain their S's poor choices on a MLC and my thought is it doesn't really matter, because it is still up to you (and me) to let them know how we expect them to treat us. If they want to be selfish, cheat, lie, and neglect their families, then they are free to leave. Bye, bye now. If they want to show respect and have honest conversations, then we can listen and validate until the cows come home. And if they want to reenter the M and have an intimate R with us, then they need to do the HARD work first.
The M will not survive and the piecing will not last, unless both people take responsibility for their part in it. Them showing signs of wanting to come back is just that -- the first signs. So why not spend less energy on trying to read the signs, and more energy on yourself. That way, if they do come back -- solid, remorseful, committed, and deserving of a chance -- you will be slightly more prepared to tackle the next uphill battle.
Have a wonderful day, goddesses. Let's all go out and treat ourselves the way we know we deserve to be treated, shall we?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
