Dilly 2.1 part 5

[dillydaf]

Yep, noted Alison. Actually I quite like paying his rent, gives me a feeling of control knowing I could say no and knowing that he has to learn to say PLEASE when he asks me to do it. Maybe he might learn to use this word more regularly as a results. And it takes me like 15 seconds, nothing like the huge amount of stuff I used to do for him to accommodate his life for zero thanks and lots of criticism.
But anyway. I ignored the text this morning and he rang 3 times, all while I was in the middle of domestic mayhem trying to leave for the office. I texted back 2 words, and he rang again and then texted 'pick up'. I texted back for him to ring in 15 minutes when I was driving. He rang and said a few things about the kids and then said that he was feeling increasingly stressed about this event on Friday. I thought to myself 'do not validate over the phone! He is prioritising other people over you this week, no validation here' and so I just said 'mm'. I validated the heck out of him about this event on Friday and then on Sunday he was just hateful even though I was trying to validate him about that too. So if he wants validation it has to be in person and it has to be when he's not being horrible.
Time to get my head down and focus on finishing this work, I have GAL lined up for tonight, tomorrow night and need to arrange Thursday and the weekend. I'm torn between telling H 'you were cantankerous on Sunday so I don't want to see you this weekend' and just making other plans and not telling him about them. I suspect the latter is better DBing.

[AlisonUK]

Actually I quite like paying his rent, gives me a feeling of control knowing I could say no and knowing that he has to learn to say PLEASE when he asks me to do it. Maybe he might learn to use this word more regularly as a results. And it takes me like 15 seconds, nothing like the huge amount of stuff I used to do for him to accommodate his life for zero thanks and lots of criticism.

When H came to stay at my house for a few days in May because he was ill, and I waited on him hand and foot, then sent him home with a load of food for his freezer, I quite liked doing it too. I had anger and resentment and I felt like I was being a doormat and I hated him and myself for letting it happen. I would have felt ashamed if any of my friends had known I was trotting off to the chemist to buy him congestion remedies and making him hot water bottles, so I didn't tell them.

And I quite liked doing it. Because he was under my nose and being grudgingly grateful, and because I was dancing like a puppet to show him how nice I could be and how servile I could be, and of course that was going to teach him to be pleasant and warm and respectful. I was going to use my kindness to teach him to be a good husband. I was going to manipulate him, through saintly and giving acts, into being the kind of person I wanted him to be.

I feel differently now. I don't want someone who I have to teach to be polite and kind. I don't want someone who is content to take assistance and help from someone who they treat with contempt. I don't want someone with that character. He should have been embarrassed to accept all that kindness from me, and I should have been too dignified to give it. Neither of us were being honest or healthy in that interaction.

I think the part of what you wrote that I've quoted above is incredibly unhealthy. You like having a feeling of control - knowing you could refuse him if he doesn't behave nicely enough. You are trying to teach him to be polite. I think you're been really really honest with yourself here and it's impressive and not easy. But I know I've learned that honesty about unhealthy actions and motivations is worth nothing unless it inspires a change.

[Destroyd]

It amazes me how nice we can be to our spouses, and they seem to never really appreciate it. I know my wife KNOWS that I love her more than anyone in her life has loved her before. Except for a few areas, I have always treated her like a queen. But you wouldn't think so when talking to her now! Instead, I have never been a partner. It is crazy talk, I have always been her partner. But she is just not the same person.

I sure hope that all of our spouses realize what they are giving up!

[97Hope]

Dilly, I would like to see you get to a place where you can tell him that if it's not about the kids, do not call/text more than one time. Reserve that for true emergencies. You don't have to explain anything to him, but it's not helping to "be there' for him.

I know it's hard. I still sometimes feel scared that since I don't listen to him about his job etc anymore that I'm driving him away, but then I look at all I have done to stand for this marriage DESPITE what he's done and say to myself - If me not listening to his stuff makes him run away, he's not strong enough to be my man. Period.


I do think it's time we remember our worth and value and stop living like we are ok with the crumbs of fools.

[97Hope]

It amazes me how nice we can be to our spouses, and they seem to never really appreciate it. I know my wife KNOWS that I love her more than anyone in her life has loved her before. Except for a few areas, I have always treated her like a queen. But you wouldn't think so when talking to her now! Instead, I have never been a partner. It is crazy talk, I have always been her partner. But she is just not the same person.

I sure hope that all of our spouses realize what they are giving up!

They ALL revise history. Part of the routine. I hope that you get to the point where you don't hope your W sees/doesn't see how bad her behavior is and instead just focus on yourself. You can waste a LOT of time hoping she will snap out of it, but the only control you have is what you do with this time. I'm speaking from experience. I've been standing for this marriage for 2 years and when I stopped spending time hoping and wishing and thinking about him, I became stronger and began to really grow in areas that needed change. Not for him, but it was time!

Another thing that has changed is that his behavior doesn't affect me like it used to. Detachment, for me, has been a process. I found something upsetting a few days ago and instead of letting it wreck me, I was able to move away from it much faster. This only happens with practice IMO. Any time you find yourself wishing your W was doing/not doing X,Y,Z, think of something that YOU can do for your own growth.

Sorry you are here, but use this time wisely. Don't waste time like I did in the beginning.

[97Hope]

[I think the part of what you wrote that I've quoted above is incredibly unhealthy. You like having a feeling of control - knowing you could refuse him if he doesn't behave nicely enough. You are trying to teach him to be polite. I think you're been really really honest with yourself here and it's impressive and not easy. But I know I've learned that honesty about unhealthy actions and motivations is worth nothing unless it inspires a change.

Alison is right. And it's very tempting to weld what little control we think we have, but it's an illusion. The reality is we haven't had control over anyone or anything but ourselves.

You have to decide for yourself if you really want a man that you feel you have to make treat you right. I've tried everything in the past to make my H be better to me, but the only way he's going to do that is I stop accepting anything less.



so sorry I hijacked your thread, thought I was on my own!!! BCAGD club!! T-shirts!! When we get better we can put big read x's across it!!

[dillydaf]

thanks everyone. I've had a few days away from thinking about things but today I have big time separation anxiety. Ugh. Had a few tears and now I need to change the scenery a bit, go do some work in a different place. I want to finish this work by tonight so I have to focus really hard for a long time today.
IC session on Thursday where we discussed pretty much what you said, Hope. More tears there. Getting from knowing 'I cannot let him treat me this way' to actually working out how to accomplish this is HARD. Not sure my IC was that much help here actually, other than he pretty much got mad on my behalf at my not demanding I get my needs met! I must be so frustrating to work with but honestly, sometimes I feel like just talking or writing about this doesn't help and I end up going round in circles. I need action, or to change my thinking somehow. Really not sure how to do that. I'm too busy for GAL at the moment, and sitting about being stressed about working just encourages rumination. I keep thinking about how I could have handled last Sunday and H's appalling mood better. He's scary though and I just retreat. My habit is to either hide or to fight, and neither of those are assertive or useful.
That said, last week was pretty good. This too shall pass, right?

[AlisonUK]

It will pass. And I think these changes happen slowly. There might be a 'fake it until you make it' element to detaching, and a bit of work to tackle and address the fears that are stopping you letting go, but it takes time.

You don't have to learn how to handle your H's appalling moods, and the way he chooses to treat you when he is experiencing them. It is wasted effort and energy. Why would you want that for yourself?

I think you got really close to it when you were thinking about why you were agreeing to pay his rent for him. It's all about control. It's such a dirty word, but I don't think it means we're nasty people - only that we're trying to manage the thinking and feeling and behaviour of others so that they will give us the love and affection we want. It isn't terrible, but it also doesn't work and seems to encourage more of the awful behaviour we don't want.

I think the only 'handling' we need to do is to learn to say 'no' to what is not good enough. If you can say 'no' to the bad stuff while still saying 'yes' to the good stuff, then that's very nice - but I think in both of our situations there isn't really enough good stuff on offer in the here and now for a healthy conversation as if with an acquaintance, never mind a marriage or friendship.

[Tryhard]

Dilly,
What do you hope will turn your situation around ?
What do you think will turn your situation around?

I feel you have gone way off track . Until you firmly stand up to him he will have no respect for you . He has to realise the source of his misery is himself and not you . The GAL stuff is important, especially when he has you at his beck and call and tell him you are too busy . I would have paid his rent but I waited a day after it was due , he wants to leave his family , why you smoothing the road for him . If he was my friend I would drop him like a hot potato .

Until he awakens let him be someone else’s problem . His choice he has to deal with the consequences, just make sure you are the best option when or if he realises

[Goddess8]

Ladies I think in addition to the CAGD shirts we need I am an Enabler as well. These men have chose to leave us and their families. Why are we still doing stuff for them? I laughed mine right in the face when he offer me two hundred dollars to write his report. What the ever loving crap??!! Um no just no. You fired me as your wife. How dare you diminish my intelligence like that. I would have considered helping if he'd asked for HELP but he just wanted me to bail him out.

Allison I know you care about H. BUT caring about and for are two very different things. Your husband is grown. Does he take care of you when your sick? I doubt it. Mine really doesnt. I will occasionally get help if its really bad but basic cold nope mama is on her own. AND your H moved out! I don't want to beat you up about it because it over and done now but in the furure leave him to his own devices. He's sick not dying.


Dilly paying his rent is the illusion of control. I think you are ultimately hoping he'll appreciate you helping him. And you are hoping for respect. Consideration. All thats really happening is you are enabling him. HE wanted to move out right? Why are you helping him? Kids live with you right? My H lives in the "ghetto" because it's close to work and cheap. Its not terrible but not great either. I dont worry about the kids being there because my H has established his place as crazy a$$ army guy. But I am still getting the majority of the pay to support HIS family.

We deserve better behavior ladies. From them and from OURSELVES.