Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

[Destroyd]

I am glad that he at least said, thank you. It is amazing how our spouses don't seem at all like their real selves. How can people be this cruel.

[LB55]

Im glad that he was able to view the video! It was a good thing that you sent it. Not because you are looking for a reaction or thanks, but because its the right thing to do.

Try to spend more time asking 'am I ok?' vice 'is he ok?, 'what is he thinking?' We all do it I suspect, but it lends you no peace and no answers; I know that for sure. We all want to know the 'why' but rarely will ever get anything of truth during this time. I am never sure if my W is telling me the truth or making another attempt to manipulate me and take advantage of my kind nature.

Ive received more than 4 different answers about something simple on multiple occasions. Immediately after filing for D, W said she was taking the kids on a ski vacation. She didn't wind up going. First it was because I cancelled her car insurance(I didn't). Then it was because she didn't have enough money. Then it was because her mom wouldn't let her borrow a 4WD SUV. Then it was because her new friends that were going with her backed out. Probably all shreds of truth but can't believe anything they say.

Keep up the GAL with your daughter, it is good for both of you!

[Ready2Change]

Wow! H messaged me, "thank you".

Even if he did not reply, Keep him up to date on D3. Big events. Updates similar to maybe a sister??

Initially, I would not respond unless direct questions. further down the road "my pleasure" might be a good response.

It is extremely important that you do not let your feeling for H affect your support for his relationship with his D.

It will be his choice about how involved he wants to be with her.

[CanBird]

Im glad that he was able to view the video! It was a good thing that you sent it. Not because you are looking for a reaction or thanks, but because its the right thing to do.

Try to spend more time asking 'am I ok?' vice 'is he ok?, 'what is he thinking?' We all do it I suspect, but it lends you no peace and no answers; I know that for sure. We all want to know the 'why' but rarely will ever get anything of truth during this time. I am never sure if my W is telling me the truth or making another attempt to manipulate me and take advantage of my kind nature.

Ive received more than 4 different answers about something simple on multiple occasions. Immediately after filing for D, W said she was taking the kids on a ski vacation. She didn't wind up going. First it was because I cancelled her car insurance(I didn't). Then it was because she didn't have enough money. Then it was because her mom wouldn't let her borrow a 4WD SUV. Then it was because her new friends that were going with her backed out. Probably all shreds of truth but can't believe anything they say.

Keep up the GAL with your daughter, it is good for both of you!

Thank you LB for the great advice, "Try spending more time asking 'am I okay?' and keep up the GAL with my daughter.

And yes, sending things to H for Father's Day was all for him from d3, because it was the right thing to do.

*I'll have to read your posts a bit later in detail.... gotta get my GAL on

[CanBird]

I am glad that he at least said, thank you. It is amazing how our spouses don't seem at all like their real selves. How can people be this cruel.

He's never been a man of many words. His thank you was appreciated; then I knew that he actually got to see it.

Yeah, it really is amazing when our spouses aren't themselves. I'm reading DR, just finished the section on MLC and it really resonated with my situation. I can't change anything about my spouse, it's his journey. All I can do is deal with this "cruel" situation with grace, and keep moving forward, for myself & my d3.

*I'll have to read your posts at a later time*

Be well

[CanBird]

Wow! H messaged me, "thank you".

Even if he did not reply, Keep him up to date on D3. Big events. Updates similar to maybe a sister??

Initially, I would not respond unless direct questions. further down the road "my pleasure" might be a good response.

It is extremely important that you do not let your feeling for H affect your support for his relationship with his D.

It will be his choice about how involved he wants to be with her.

Hi Ready2Change. Good advice to keep him updated, as if I was a sister...lol.. I had to read that over a few times before I got it! Definitely have to wear a different hat during this storm! Before he left, I imagined him wearing the roommate hat, then the friend hat. (He had been sleeping on the couch for a few weeks). I finally surrendered to wearing the same hats, when I felt he really didn't want me acting wifey; he wanted to be left alone. And now, the sister hat! Why not..lol..

I didn't respond to his message, I didn't see the point. But yes, "my pleasure" is a good response. I will send H d3 updates (as if from a sister) at a later date for sure. I would never let my feeling get in the way of their relationship. We've always kept any negative talk away from d3, and agreed to only let her see us in a loving way, as best we can.

And yes, totally agree it's up to him how involved he wants to be. He's on a journey, and if he needs to be alone, after he finishes his months away at work, I totally support that. It's up to him how much or how little interaction is had. H had an interesting childhood, a confusing one, with more than one father figure (he never shared details until BD), so it will be interesting to see how this unfolds.

[CanBird]

Just finished DR. Not sure I can do anything but GAL & "act as if".

The chapter about MLC really resonated with me. I don't want to think about the things H said. They hurt too much. Am I okay? I'm trying to remember that he's the one that's going through something. He said he doesn't want to come home, he doesn't want to be married. He also he will come home...obviously to see d3 and this is his home too.

"Act as if"? As if none of this is happening? Act as if...this is a rough patch he needs to figure himself and I will be the best me I can be?

I need to be thankful for the things that give me strength. My biggest strength is always finding the good in bad situations. I need to find that strength for myself.

This is a bumpy road. It's the only way from here to there. If you run you might fall. Get up and keep walking. Just slow down. You will get where you're going eventually.

[CanBird]

Today d3 had gymnastics. We both get a workout.

The pool guy finally came and looked at the pump. Think it's covered under warranty. Problem with the motor. Replacement available, will get fixed ? Not sure. Soon! Nice guy. Advised me to super shock my pool and keep brushing the sides. As mad as I am at this situation, its great distraction! Hopefully it doesn't turn green on me. It's only water..lol.

D3 and I went to a new place for an acai bowl. Her favorite. She loves eating out & is really well behaved which makes it easy. Then we napped! I rested & didn't do chores. That is something I never do & need to do more often.

Tomorrow library storytime & dance class. Friday we have a kids concert! D3 already picked out her clothes..lol..

The more I journal my GAL adventures, the less I think about H. It is SO important to keep busy! I need to get busy at getting to places on time or early. I've been working on it. There's a lot of construction going on in my neighborhood, so you never know how slow things will get. Another great distraction. Lol.. never thought I'd feel that way about traffic..lol..

[Destroyd]

Great job on GAL Canbird!! Keep showing that amazing love to your daughter.

[CanBird]

The nights are always so hard. I really try not to think, but I do. D3 hasn't been feeling well, so she's been sleeping half the night with me. Nice to have someone you love beside you.

Yesterday we didn't make it to story time on time, partly because I decided to bake mini banana muffins! I don't cook much, let alone bake! I know how to read & follow a recipe, but I don't get excited about it. Anyway, we still went to the library, saw some friends and did a craft. No dance class for us. D3 just isn't herself.

Today we made it to the kids concert at the library (we love the library). We spent a few hours there, then had a play date & lunch. It was last minute plans, and a great distraction. D3 is napping as we speak.

My other distraction, the pool, is slowly turning green. No word from "the pool guy". We're on island time, so patience is a way of living.

Selling some of D3s baby things! SO excited by this! At the beginning of the year I started super binging my stuff and D3's as she grows. I've donated a lot of our stuff, as it's mostly clothes. Funny thing, I thought by decluttering, things in my relationship would declutter. Guess in a way they have, but not in the way I expected. NEVER GIVE UP!

Guess that's all for now. No real plans for the weekend, and no big deal since d3 isn't 100%. It's just a cold (cough & runny nose) but I don't want anyone else to get sick.