Originally Posted by dillydaf
Actually I quite like paying his rent, gives me a feeling of control knowing I could say no and knowing that he has to learn to say PLEASE when he asks me to do it. Maybe he might learn to use this word more regularly as a results. And it takes me like 15 seconds, nothing like the huge amount of stuff I used to do for him to accommodate his life for zero thanks and lots of criticism.


When H came to stay at my house for a few days in May because he was ill, and I waited on him hand and foot, then sent him home with a load of food for his freezer, I quite liked doing it too. I had anger and resentment and I felt like I was being a doormat and I hated him and myself for letting it happen. I would have felt ashamed if any of my friends had known I was trotting off to the chemist to buy him congestion remedies and making him hot water bottles, so I didn't tell them.

And I quite liked doing it. Because he was under my nose and being grudgingly grateful, and because I was dancing like a puppet to show him how nice I could be and how servile I could be, and of course that was going to teach him to be pleasant and warm and respectful. I was going to use my kindness to teach him to be a good husband. I was going to manipulate him, through saintly and giving acts, into being the kind of person I wanted him to be.

I feel differently now. I don't want someone who I have to teach to be polite and kind. I don't want someone who is content to take assistance and help from someone who they treat with contempt. I don't want someone with that character. He should have been embarrassed to accept all that kindness from me, and I should have been too dignified to give it. Neither of us were being honest or healthy in that interaction.

I think the part of what you wrote that I've quoted above is incredibly unhealthy. You like having a feeling of control - knowing you could refuse him if he doesn't behave nicely enough. You are trying to teach him to be polite. I think you're been really really honest with yourself here and it's impressive and not easy. But I know I've learned that honesty about unhealthy actions and motivations is worth nothing unless it inspires a change.