I know a lot people here are big on validation and reading the validation threads. I just would caution you guys on that because validating is one thing, however enabling bad behavior or allowing abuse is quite another. We teach people how to treat us (by what we allow) and we have to value ourselves enough to demand people treat us well if they want to be around us.
This is so useful for me, Blu. I know I've worked really hard on validating, and all its done is made me a sitting target for more abuse. I've found it very difficult to distinguish between verbal abuse and someone telling me about their anger and me being able to validate it. I can see the roots of that in my childhood. The moment when I realised that there was a difference between angry behaviour and a conversation where feelings are described, I was able to make process.
It's a moot point now, because I don't feel like validating H's feelings - whatever they may be - anymore. I'd rather spend the energy on myself and my children.
But I think you've hit the nail on the head with this statement. I can see validation is an essential tool in marriages where one spouse has ignored the other's feelings and complaints for a long time. But others of us have been soaking up anger or resentment for years and it's healthier to put an end to that.
I think of validation as a 'supply' that I give to people. I think in some cases the Wh or W gets a bit addicted to that 'supply' and the validation only helps them carry on spewing, it moves nothing forward in any good direction.
