Blu - thank you for your thoughts, and no, I don't want you to bow out of the thread!

Other than what I've done - met up with him to separate finances (we agreed something I think it fair and workable for the time being) set a boundary around him inviting his family to my house (they aren't coming) and gone dark on him - there's been no messages, no contact, hand-over of Youngest for contact either at school or at the front door and as I have said in several posts, I plan to keep it that way and feel very steady and sure about that decision.

I am not sure what further suggestions you have? If you have an idea for something over and above what I am currently doing, I am open to hearing it - that is why I am here.

I won't be going to MC with him and I won't, for the reasons you suggest, be suggesting or asking or demanding that he goes to IC himself. He'd obviously benefit from it, but that's not my business.

My son is troubled, yes - partly to do with an ongoing and quite serious medical condition he has and partly to do with the state of my marriage and the behaviour he's seen from both of us. I've consulted a family therapist about how best to parent him and regain my confidence at setting boundaries. She said his behaviour was on the difficult side of normal for teenagers of his age, and I've been following her advice to the letter. Eldest also sees a counsellor, and I've seen massive improvements in the last couple of months. He's really only difficult when he has to be in contact with H, and unless they sort it out between themselves, that won't be happening for the foreseeable.

I'm in IC myself, working on confidence to set boundaries and move forward, as well as deal with the influences from my childhood that have allowed me to accept the unacceptable from now on.

My focus now isn't really on my H. I don't want to see or talk to him and while I will co-parent with him civilly, I'm not interested in having any more family meals or holidays or anything like that with him. My focus is on my own recovery, GAL and my children - as I've said previously.

I use a bit of humour in my posts about my H - yes. And no, the situation isn't funny, it is very sad, and the responsibility for accepting the unacceptable is on me. I get that. But humour is just my way of reminding myself that my husband's complaints are no longer my problem. Sometimes that makes me feel giddy with delight and freedom. I've been ground down by his criticism and anger for a long time. Since he left I've been holding my breath for this magical change he promised would happen once he completed his work project in May. That clearly hasn't happened, so I am moving on. Perhaps it was silly of me to believe it, but I wanted to give him and my marriage that one chance. I did, I don't regret it, it wasn't to be so I am moving on.