Making the best of the mess.

[BluWave]

And for the record, I can certainly swing as many 2*4s at myself (and I do!) as I can at all of you. I promise -- I can dish it out and I can take it! Has anyone read much about Gottman and contempt? Well, it is the worst thing in any relationship and the number one marriage killer. So here I am -- I got the H back that we all want and he is doing all the right stuff -- yet I am still over 4 years later full of resentment and contempt. It has been a huge struggle.

97Hope, I am not sure if I have read all of your thread, but instead of a 2*4, I do have some advice for those struggling with detachment. Most of my advice I would like to have given my previous self back in my post-BD days but cannot of course. Always keep your head above your heart. By that I mean to base your actions on thoughts and not feelings or emotions, and mainly fear. Fear is the killer.

The emotions and feelings are all over the place when we have been hurt, and they are not rational. When you look back on choices you have made in your life, you will often feel better about the ones that were well thought out and planned. That is even harder to do when you are in crisis mode and flooded with emotions every day. However, it is not impossible. It just takes work, dedication and some grit.

I like to steer people back to Sandi's rules because those are all the choices and decisions already made for us -- it is the blue print of how to "act" without allowing the emotions to take over. I would challenge myself to read them every day and sometimes I would read them multiple times a day. That way when I had to see H or interact with him, I could hopefully respond on autopilot.

What about all those times you really do not know what to say, do, or how to reply? I know a lot people here are big on validation and reading the validation threads. I just would caution you guys on that because validating is one thing, however enabling bad behavior or allowing abuse is quite another. We teach people how to treat us (by what we allow) and we have to value ourselves enough to demand people treat us well if they want to be around us.


But still, what about those times you still do not know what to say, or how to reply? Well that is where you put your head above your heart. Don't form your reactions based on anything you feel, used to feel or want to feel about your S. What would you tell your best friend, assuming you feel nothing for her/his S? What would your solid, unbiased, no agenda, advise be? Chances are you know what the best thing to do or say is, but you allow your fear to constantly get in the way. So take control of the fear. Be stronger than it. Because here is the thing, you have nothing to fear -- you have already lost them. The only fear is the fear itself.

Blu