Perhaps I'll take a break from swinging 2*4s on your threads and update my own.
I think I have made some small progress recently. I am becoming more accepting of how much of my happiness in my relationship is my own doing, mainly how I think about things and where I focus my thoughts. I realize that the way I think about and talk about my H and my M, very much molds the direction and thus outcome. I have always known this to be true, but I have not felt that I can control thought-stopping negative thinking. It makes a big difference in my Rs and how I come across to those around me. I think my own thinking is what has the largest impact in my M.
For example, if I continue to think about the past, things he has done/said that I don't like, or making mental lists of why this piecing won't work, I feel negatively about him. The negativity can easily affect my feelings about him and thus how I treat him. When I focus on his strong suits and the positives, I feel more accepting of him and optimistic about the future. It's almost as if I have complete control and he is still waiting a bit, but not stopping and waiting, he seems okay when I disengage.
If I were to list out all the reasons this M could never work and why he wasn't the right partner for me, I could be rather convincing. Conversely, I could also explain what a good man he is, a devoted H and father, and how hard he has worked to look inward and make positive changes. So what I am explaining is that neither option is wrong or right, the answer lies in the direction that I choose. This may not be true for all of us, but for those of us that have two willing partners, the ways of thinking can either make or break the outcome of the R.
On a more practical level, there have been a couple things (more like complaints) that I have had about H for many years. I am vocal about my complaints and he knows what they are. Well, the main one he is now addressing. I have said it and said it. The other day, I learned that he is taking some steps towards positive changes. He isn't just making empty promises or talking about it anymore, I can now see he is doing the work part. I like that.
So I have decided that even if the "changes" don't work out in his favor or stick, his willingness to listen to me and to address it counts for something. It counts for a lot. More so, he continues to show me someone that understands compromise and commitment. I think I am fortunate to have a partner like that. I recognize -- IRL and reading here -- that many people do not have a partner like that. So for now, I am not over analyzing his past mistakes, but I am accepting what is in front of me today. That is my goal. As much as my sitch hurt me, and us, I try and find the silver linings like this because it makes it easier to accept.
It's going to be a busy summer of travel and kid's sports/camps and another big vacay out of the country. I am going to try and make the best of it for now. Happy summer!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
