I shall have both lamb and lipstick thread 6

[BluWave]

This is really sad. The same cycle continues. Nothing is changing for the better.

Dilly, why should she tell him what he has to do at all (go to IC for her to go to MC)? He is an adult and it is HIS choice if he wants to help himself at all. Nothing in DB says to force someone to go to IC or MC or tell them what to do at all. We are all people of our own free will. It's quite obvious by his continued patterns of abuse and blame that he doesn't have a genuine interest in working on himself and making positive changes. You cannot force someone to do this or negotiate it. Again, none of what I am reading here is aligned with the DB advice or philosophy.

I am with Ginger and AS and am frankly concerned about the abuse. And there has already been physical violence, she just did not elaborate on what it was. That is fine and I respect her privacy. I am personally just not humored by him harping on dead house plants and sofas. I think he is treating you terribly and I don't understand why you continue to allow it. Your eldest son sounds as if he has some behavioral problems. That is very, very difficult, even without parents fighting and acting up in front of a teen. Could it be that he is acting out worse because he sees the behavior of you both and also sees that you are defending H's abuse? Are either of you demonstrating how to communicate respectfully? Yet you are expecting him to? I understand that parents should ideally stick together when disciplining kids, but you do not have a healthy, respectful and mature other parent, if not, you are just defending his abuse. What message does that send your teenager?

When you responded to my last post, you said that you were getting together with H to discuss separation of finances. It doesn't appear that way at all, or that there was any productive conversation. It sounds like more of the same -- him being abusive, nagging and blaming you, and then you trying to draw up a boundary, but actually validating and allowing his abuse. Your continued sympathy and concern for his well being -- as he mistreats you -- is also quite troubling in my mind. Again, you have these posters validating you and cheering you on, some I doubt you want to listen to me. I am happy to bow out at any time. Just say the words and I am gone. I personally cannot see how these posters are helping you handle things better.

I feel sorry for you, Allison, not your H, not at all. As you describe him, he is not a good person, H and father. I hope you can see that.I really wish you could move on from him and that you can find your worth. Then some day you can find a partner that knows how to treat you. You and your kids deserve that. Your kids also deserve a safe and comfortable home environment in the mean time. That is number one right now. Enough is enough.

Blu