I don't understand what Steve85 and AS were saying as far as things being black and white. When my W, Steve's W, or Blu's H came back and decided to patch things up wtih us it wasn't like we jumped back into this wonderful world where we were in love and everything is great like you said. So again I'm not sure what they meant.
Well I don't think I said anything was black and white, but what I was referring to is that once a WAS goes rogue, she's all-out of the M. She's not half in and half out which I think is what Steve was asking. BEFORE BD is when they are half in and half out, they may be like that for months or even years. They are hanging on, hoping that something will change, silently suffering. When they finally decide enough is enough and they drop the bomb, then they are all out. That's what DB'ing is specifically about- dealing with a spouse that is completely checked out of the M.
And that's one thing everyone that comes here has in common, their spouse is over, done, kaput. But as I also like to point out, that is how they feel right now. That can and will change in months or years. But initially after BD there is zero chance that pursuit or begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ gift-buying/ etc. will bring them back. Once they are done, then you're dealing with a consistent recipe of giving them time and space while working on yourself, there's just no other way that works.
^^^That's what I was talking about. A lot of LBS's think they can mix a cocktail of DB'ing and other techniques and their own brand of pursuing because they think they know their wives better than anyone else and that their version is what will work for her. I can relate to that, I thought the same thing. But any of us that have been down this road can tell you, we were wrong! I was wrong! The woman I knew 25 years was no longer who I was dealing with, and the people here who were counseling me were SPOT ON in their suggestions whereas the stuff I tried early on just backfired big time. A lot of us vets are on here because we are hoping others can hear what we did right and what we did wrong, and hopefully they will learn from us and just do the right stuff
Yep, this is what I meant to. If the WAW initiates BD they are done by then. They may have been done before then for some length of time too, but on BD they certainly are. It is fool's gold to get into the game of guessing "are they really done? or aren't they?" I struggled more than most with that because I initiated BD, but for 99.5% of posters that come here that have been BD'd, there spouse is black and white done at that moment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
