You said the D is final? Why is she still there? What was the agreement for living arrangements? I'd ask her: "When will you be moving out?" Is she can't afford to keep the current place and pay the bills then it is on her to find some place she can afford.
She is still there because I told her she can stay for longer so the kids are in the same house. She said she will pay me a small portion of the expenses. Not much but with the D every extra single cent is helpful to me given alimony, child support and attorney fees. She will move out if I ask her to but then reconnection becomes harder.
I think reconnection is going to be harder when she sees your attitude is "reconnection becomes harder if she moves out". She knows she still has you as backup. It shows her that even though the D is final on paper that it isn't in your mind. If you had moved on, you wouldn't live with an ex, it'd be too weird. Plus it'd get in the way of your life.
It's not "going dark" when you don't text for a couple days but still live together.
Originally Posted by Destroyd
MLCxH, I completely understand wanting to do everything to spend more time with your children. I keep thinking how evil it is that a spouse could even consider stealing your kids away from the other parent for 50% or more of the time. The time for raising children is so short, and one of the most precious duties a person can have. So, whether or not it is proper DBing, I completely understand how you feel.
Destroyd,
I am going to have to disagree with you. It's not "stealing" just b/c someone gets a divorce. You don't own kids and you don't have exclusive 100% custody no matter what. I understand your statement to be a reflection of the pain we have all been in, so I don't knock you for saying that. But just thinking about the emotions you're feeling I totally get where you're coming from.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
MLCxH - I haven't read back through your whole thread, so apologies if I repeat something that has already been said or if I misunderstand your sitch.
On living apart/living together. Living in a toxic environment is living in a toxic environment. Even if you are playing happy families in front of the kids, even if you smile and are cordial to one another, that resentment is still simmering under the surface. Every time they are late home, every time their phone beeps, every time they say they are going out, YOU will be wondering who they are with, what they are doing. It takes up so much head space that you just can't think straight. And that's just you. To them, everything you do will be wrong because that is where their head is at. Perception bias. You buy them flowers, you are manipulating them, you don't buy them flowers, you are an insensitive [censored] who never does anything nice.
People think if they stay living together the WAW will see their 180's and want to come back. Right now, your 180's don't mean [censored] to her. To her, you are trying to manipulate her into coming back and manipulation = pressure. Your 180's are for you. They will start to notice them a) once they too are able to look at the marriage objectively and b) they see the 180's consistently being applied over a long period of time.
Also, 2 days of going dark is nothing. Like 180's it has to be applied over a long period of time before they stop thinking it's manipulation and realize you are serious. Personally, I am not a fan of going dark. It feels wrong to me. Rude somehow and would probably only ever apply it if my H spouted hatred and vitriol at me.
I think reconnection is going to be harder when she sees your attitude is "reconnection becomes harder if she moves out". She knows she still has you as backup. It shows her that even though the D is final on paper that it isn't in your mind. If you had moved on, you wouldn't live with an ex, it'd be too weird. Plus it'd get in the way of your life.
Because I did not fight the divorce things moved very quickly in a matter of months. I dont think either of us has had the time to process the emotions associated with the divorce because of how easy and quick it was. I feel that is a strong statement I made that I was willing to drop the rope and let her go. But based on the responses so far I am sensing a common trend that is telling me she needs to be out of the house.
The problem I have is like many others here my world became smaller the last 10 years and my 'way of life' has focused on family and kids. My GAL has mostly been work and more time with kids without W and that is what makes it harder.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by Destroyd
MLCxH, I completely understand wanting to do everything to spend more time with your children. I keep thinking how evil it is that a spouse could even consider stealing your kids away from the other parent for 50% or more of the time. The time for raising children is so short, and one of the most precious duties a person can have. So, whether or not it is proper DBing, I completely understand how you feel.
Destroyd,
I am going to have to disagree with you. It's not "stealing" just b/c someone gets a divorce. You don't own kids and you don't have exclusive 100% custody no matter what. I understand your statement to be a reflection of the pain we have all been in, so I don't knock you for saying that. But just thinking about the emotions you're feeling I totally get where you're coming from.
I personally dont worry as much about my time with kids as their time with me. She is not stealing the kids from me but stealing the kids from time with their father for her selfish reasons. I am happy I at least had the sense not to fight over the kids and gave her more than 50% time with them in the divorce.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
MLCxH - I haven't read back through your whole thread, so apologies if I repeat something that has already been said or if I misunderstand your sitch.
On living apart/living together. Living in a toxic environment is living in a toxic environment. Even if you are playing happy families in front of the kids, even if you smile and are cordial to one another, that resentment is still simmering under the surface. Every time they are late home, every time their phone beeps, every time they say they are going out, YOU will be wondering who they are with, what they are doing. It takes up so much head space that you just can't think straight. And that's just you. To them, everything you do will be wrong because that is where their head is at. Perception bias. You buy them flowers, you are manipulating them, you don't buy them flowers, you are an insensitive [censored] who never does anything nice.
Thank you, this is good feedback. I have been able to detach more and more from caring what she does, where she goes and that has not been an issue. We are more like roommates at this point and that has helped take the tension out and more so after the D since it rid all expectations. I do worry about how long this can continue though and know that at some point we need to go our separate ways. But when that happens I wont be a LBS just a ex-husband
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Also, 2 days of going dark is nothing. Like 180's it has to be applied over a long period of time before they stop thinking it's manipulation and realize you are serious. Personally, I am not a fan of going dark. It feels wrong to me. Rude somehow and would probably only ever apply it if my H spouted hatred and vitriol at me.
I agree. It was big for me because it is the first time in months that we have gone 2 days with no texts or conversations. She is traveling and not at home for over a week.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
People think if they stay living together the WAW will see their 180's and want to come back. Right now, your 180's don't mean [censored] to her. To her, you are trying to manipulate her into coming back and manipulation = pressure. Your 180's are for you. They will start to notice them a) once they too are able to look at the marriage objectively and b) they see the 180's consistently being applied over a long period of time.
She has noticed my 180s and commented on them. I started working out after the BD and she has made multiple comments about my looking good after she left me. She is more respectful to me now and even broke down 2 weeks ago and talked about how much I had loved her and taken care of her all these years. This was a change from a year of hearing how I had only made her life miserable throughout the marriage.
It has been an emotional roller coaster with W moving out. Second guessing a lot of decisions like getting stuck with a unaffordable house in the D because I wanted to protect my castle which will make it a tough few years financially. Biggest concern is how the kids will react to their new lives and having less of me in their daily lives.
Dumbfounded by how W who did not show any initiative on any tasks during MR has done a 180 in taking strong initiative on all the steps to get away from me. She is financially set from the D settlement for a long time but life is still going to be harder than it was when we were together. In her mind she everything is worth being able to get away from me. What is hard for me to accept is that she sees me as a changed person but still wants to run away. She behaves normally with and does not show any anger or resentment. But she won't give a new R between us a chance even though she admits things are different now. DB, GAL and other efforts have all been overwhelmed by emotions at this point.
Hang in there, this is a big transition to go through! It sounds like your W is acknowledging your changes and that is GOOD! This soon it's not unusual for to take the "it's too little too late" attitude. But that can and probably will change later. With time she may very well decide the best thing in her life was who she left behind. The real question is by the time it takes her to get to that point, will you still be interested. Often the answer is "no".
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your subject line within a thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hang in there, this is a big transition to go through!
Thank you AS. I have been really depressed the past few days. As much as I had detached from W it is hard to cope when the family officially breaks into two.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It sounds like your W is acknowledging your changes and that is GOOD! This soon it's not unusual for to take the "it's too little too late" attitude. But that can and probably will change later. With time she may very well decide the best thing in her life was who she left behind.
I agree it is probably too soon at this point given it has only been 6 months since I started my 180s and maybe only 3 months of DB efforts. My strength broke down and I did end up having a heated emotional discussion with her a few days ago but eventually picked myself up again and started acting contented in front of her even if I was still broken on the inside. The encouraging thing is she is no longer angry with me and is respectful in her conversations. There is no OM in the picture. But we have made two big transitions with the D and I am losing hope of R because her mind seems made up. Let us hope with the space she gets now she has time to reconsider her decision.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
The real question is by the time it takes her to get to that point, will you still be interested. Often the answer is "no".
The D in my mind only meant paperwork for legal and financial matters. I am no different from the other standers otherwise. My kids are the only reason I am still standing at this time. Still not planning to date anyone else or move forward with my life other than GAL but it depends on how much time she really takes. At some point life forces you to move in another direction even if you dont plan on it.
I am guilty as charged UC! These past few days have been hard and I am trying to get through one hour at a time. I dont have any anger towards her though.
On the other hand, hope is the only thing I have left. I have been detaching and not fighting anything. While I did not make it easy for her, I did not resist anything. The D is final, no more IHS and we have our own lives which will give a lot more space to her. Once I release the hope there is only AMOAFWL for my next R with someone else. I dont think I am at a point where I want to move on. While legally I am D, from a religious and emotional angle I am still standing for the family and that is what makes it hard.
