I just read your thread. I don't post much, but I still read along often. I have some thoughts, but know that they are influenced by my own experience, and I have not read many sitches like mine on these boards (as most of the time the S does not return). My H started an EA 5-6 years ago, then left the house for OW for 10 months, then returned and has been back over 4 years. We also have 3 kids. ... Side note: you mentioned MLC, but I don't see that (and personally don't like that term), and your H appears to be completely wayward and in limerance. I tend to think that the spouses that are more likely to return to the M are the waywards and it seems (I have no science to back this) that the Hs return back to the M more often than the Ws. Basically, from my perspective, out of all the folks that leave their M, the Hs that left to pursue OW, are the ones most likely to come back. The WWs seem less so. And the Walkaways (Hs and Ws) seem the least. Again, that is based on my own readings and research. I have no evidence :-)
Based on your last convo, it does read that he is pondering coming back. He has shown some signs of doubt, remorse and guilt all along. That is a good thing! I think they are more likely to come back with those elements verses when they run out the door chalked full of anger and resentment. That was also the case in my sitch. Even tho my H left for an A and told me he wanted D, he also felt tremendous guilt and was remorseful all along. He would still initiate contact and temp check. He would also tell me he knew it was a mistake or that he was confused, depressed, etc. He would do this even before the turning point came. His turning point did not come until I started to really follow the rules. You sound like you have been doing a much better job at that all along! I spent a long time lashing out, begging/pleading, and then lashing out again .... I am very impressed at how level headed you are and how you have been handling this!
So the others are telling you that talk is cheap. I agree, but only sort of. I am sensing that he really is starting to come around. He is also wanting to keep communication going, wanting you to know he is not w/ OW and he is inquiring about where you are at. I recall this happening in my own sitch, and I could just feel a shift -- in his words, his affect and in the way he wanted info from me. I am reading that in your interaction and it feels similar to my Hs first signs of coming back. I could be wrong, but I am just telling you that this feels really similar to me. I use the words "feel" because more than words, it was my SENSE and INTUITION that knew he was coming back. I can't exactly describe it, because like I tell other posters-- when they are coming back, you will just know it, and if you don't know it or are confused, then they are not coming back (yet). I am gathering that you are feeling a shift as well and I think you should trust your own gut. What does it tell you?
So what do you DO or SAY now? I agree with AS. Less is more! Continue to follow the 37 rules, your GAL, and keep up those 180s. Simply listen and validate only. Offer very little info. DO NOT MAKE CHANGES YET. If anything, steadily pull back a little bit more and more. Why? Because this is a critical time and you do not have enough info yet. Also, I am sorry, but your H is a jerk. He left his W and kids for a younger woman at work. Boo on him! He is going to have to work A LOT harder than that to get you back. You are a goddess! And a goddess deserves to be treated like gold!!!
This might be the beginning of his turn around. I caution that it can be very difficult and emotionally triggering. You might even find yourself not wanting him and being resentful as he tries harder. Please take this as slowly and carefully as possibly and keep posting here. Head over heart. We can help you through this!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
