Thank you so much for the kind words. I really needed that. I thought having a couple months pre-BD to prepare would help. But this still feels like a new low.
I'm fighting the urge to make a knee-jerk emotional decision. I know emotions cloud judgment. I know it's not fair that 100% of the blame is focused on me right now (or it feels that way). I'm hurt.
Forget recon. I am fighting my urge to make decisions that are entirely based on avoiding pain or anxiety:
- File for D - Ask W: "Do you really think you could ever recon with me?" - Ask W: "Are you making this a two-step process to let me down easy because you are scared?" - Ask W: "Are you making this a two-step process because you are worried how I will parent the kids and you want to observe and document me?" - Ask W: "Why do I feel like you are ganging up on me?" - Ask W: "Why do we go to MC if it is all about me making changes?"
Things are just going to be very unresolved for awhile. I'll keep working at being okay with that.
I know I have some emotional regulation issues. Throughout my life they haven't been particularly severe. My MR issues have exacerbated things over the past 2 years and now life stress has hit a new high. I need to just stay calm and get through this separation process and then revisit where I am at with my W. I'm going to hear a lot about my emotional regulation from my W during MC, and I need to carefully assess what is fair and real, and what is not, because there is some of both. I figure it will take a good month just to move and get somewhat settled. It's going to be hard. It's going to be easy to sink into a depression. Maybe I'm already in one, I don't know, but I need to fight it. One day at a time.
