Yes I’m assuming this is a soft divorce. I have enough legal advice and understanding to be comfortable with the murkiness. It adds to my stress but I don’t see filing for divorce as a “less stressful” option,
I don’t see signs that she is working on the M. Yesterday was pretty awful. I don’t want to get into the details because I have so much to deal with right now. And I’m not really looking for advice, just some support,
We did talk last night and I said we need to separate as soon as possible and maybe tell the kids this week.
MC this week will assuredly be more of my W being concerned with me around the kids. Yesterday I needed a little break to go for a walk and she told me she was worried about my safety. It’s going to be this way for awhile, addressing her worry about my emotional state. It’s true that I’m a mess, and it also feels unfair. I’m trying to be as unreactive as I can and just listen and validate . I know... it’s not MC it’s basically coparenting counseling. And I’m going to feel really ganged up on for awhile. My w will say she’s not trying to make me feel like it’s all my fault but then she hammers on everything that I’m doing wrong. We need to be apart. I need it for my own emotional recovery and she needs it too.
It is hard to be a rock right now. All the reasons my W wants to separate are due to my emotional issues. Being around my W worsens them. And going to MC is going to involve having all these issues brought up over and over and over for awhile. We NEED this counseling to parent better. I NEED my W to communicate with me, not for recon, but because my kids need it. The easy thing to do would be file tor D and cancel the MC to avoid the pain. I think MC will drive us towards D more quickly. The pain is going to worsen for me for awhile.
The one lesson I’ve taken to heart here is don’t act on emotion. Play the long game. I need to pull myself together here, for myself and my kids. I worry I am depressed. I’m fighting hard. I’m trying to keep a FT job. All the GAL and 180 stuff is taking a back seat. I need some short term strategies. Meditation I’m holding onto. And validation as best as I can although It feels sometimes like my W is hammering away. The more I tolerate feeling beaten up she eventually reveals something useful. When I took a break she said she was worried what I would do on my own if the kids were being crazy. I said I wouldn’t take a break obviously. She said sometimes S7 hits, what will you do if he does that? I said I’m trying to both reassure you and not be defensive and that feels impossible. Eventually she said “what I need to hear from you right now are 3 other things you could do in that situation if you are alone with the kids”.
It was just overall not a great day for our MR. I expect things to only get worse for awhile. I feel hyper emotional (sadness) around the kids and need to stifle that.
IHC you said it about the thousand paper cuts. Offer to help me pack up stuff? Offer to help with searching for places? Even the request for trial separation instead of a divorce... every interaction.
Somehow I need to pull it together and just accept all this s%#* is happening and not be so sad and anxious. Just deal with it. I need to find a way to reach acceptance and turn things positively, some strategy or coping mechanism that will work for me minute by minute.
I should end with some positive stuff. We have agreed to try to share the kids as close to 50/50 as we can. I’m going to take them for a week by myself somewhere this summer. Financially my W said she trusts me more than anyone else - implying if we D she would prefer to just have me come up with an asset split plan and she would trust me. We agreed to just run large expenses by each other during the separation. She said I could come to the house for dinner sometimes and I suggested we instead have a family dinner at a local restaurant. We had a great Father’s Day dinner at home.
I endeavor to reach a point where this doesn’t feel devastating. All this “woe is me” stuff does me no good.
