I for one like challenge and questioning. Different perspectives are always helpful - especially from the opposite sex - when dating. And they also help you analyze yourself in your response.
I get what your saying. In fact, the idea that love is a choice and a decision is something I touted since BD. I didn’t go on a date with a guy because he told me “I want to be in love. Parents need to be happy in order for children to be happy. The love wasn’t there and neither was the commitment” (now he obviously cheated so that was the real reason)
With ex bf, I went with love being a choice and feeling. Had the check box for him. Thought completely from my head. And things were bad. I didn’t love him. Believe it or not, I was often like that with my ex husband. I sensed something was wrong. I was so angry at him and resentful of him. I knew something was up but I just didn’t know what cause I didn’t have the language or experience of recognizing addiction behaviors. Instead, I looked at the looked at the logic. I twisted logic. “He’s always been a deep sleeper. Wish he could get help for sleep apnea. His job is so demanding. Corporate America is unreasonable. His mother is stealing him away from us. He’s so smart he’s in high demand at work. He comes from great family role models (didn’t find out about what happened till later Cause his mom kept it a secret)”
I never went with instinct. I chose ex husband because he was all American, good looking guy that went to great schools, has a profession that’s in demand and requires specific skill set difficult to acquire and came from an intact family”. I thought he would be loyal, and a good father, and good provider. That made logical sense.
But, I’m starting to maybe learn that you need to feel. And I don’t mean feel for that hot but crazy chick that’s weqring a tight skirt and you know is wrong for you. I think maybe feel something from the soul? I don’t know.
I agree that you don’t do what you want to do for the sake of being happy when it comes to shirking your responsibilities or betraying someone. But none of us are doing that. My son will always come first. And when I’m with someone I don’t open myself up to this with someone else, so very different from wwywards.
I’m starting to think that with relationships - logic stuff isn’t that helpful because you don’t really know if the quantitative stuff they are laying out is even real. I think maybe relationships require relying more on instinct and feelings - which is scarier for some of us.
I don’t know. Just a thought and interesting discussion for me. I will say, I never felt like I am right now. And to me, people that have said things in the past like that were always perceived as flighty.
