This is such a difficult thing to go through, DadHurt.
I will share this with you. Last year I discovered my H in an emotional affair. He'd already pulled away from me, was very distant and hostile and withdrawn, and was extremely critical of me. My self esteem was in total tatters but I'd managed to convince myself that a) he was just pressured at work and b) if I worked on being a better wife, he'd want me more. He didn't confess to the EA, I discovered it by looking at his phone, and he denied the extent of it and gaslit me until I went into his email account and found more evidence. It was one of the most painful things I'd ever experienced. I get where you are.
I was living on anger and fear for months. Months. I dragged us to therapy but we made no progress because I was so hurt and furious and just wanted him to jump through hoops to comfort me. Whatever he did didn't comfort me, because deep down I knew he was just placating me and because we never dealt with the ways we were both responsible for our marriage getting to the place where he had so many unmet emotional needs that an EA became a viable option for him. BD didn't happen until a good few months after the EA was discovered, and I am sure it happened in part because of the way I was unable to handle my pain and anger.
You are allowed to be angry and hurt. Your feelings of betrayal are totally justified. It's what you do with them here on out that matters. Even if she were to offer complete remorse, you are still going to have to process those feelings - she can't do it for you. I've had to learn that the very hard way. You may decide, once you've processed your feelings, that there's nothing left to save. She may decide that while she's remorseful for her EA, she still needs to be out of the marriage that wasn't meeting her needs. There are no guarantees. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself. I really wish I'd done things differently in the aftermath of the EA - I did my best, but I didn't have the emotional resources to really look inwards and handle my own feelings in a healthy way.
I think the advice you've been given to stay away from drink for the time being is very wise.
