Uni you are literally mirroring everything I was going through over the last 7 months thinking and experience with the WAS. The W wasn't pushing for divorce but just separation. I kept on asking her well if you want separation and you're wulling to take this far? Why not just divorce? if there's no romantic feelings there? If we are going to get petty with one another? And divide everything equally? If we can't agree on anything? If I'm the one that has to do all the changing, am being held to constant double standards in all areas? Money, Trust, Child Rearing, Division of Labor, Relationships, Social Commitments and Dynamics, conflict in parenting, perceptions, etc etc. All the things that make up a marriage. I was willing to admit and commit to work on my short comings, acknowledge my failures and take responsibility for them, and own them, but they won't acknowledge theres? Uni all my R talks literally revolved around what I needed to change too, even if I brought hers up in all fairness for comparative reasons. My feelings, my thoughts, my experiences, my truth didn't matter to her. It's as if I wasn't even there, like I didn't even exist. But I was expected to validate all of her experiences. Her feelings, truth and experiences were always more important. I got to a point where I was pushing the questions of "If you are going to take it this far, why not divorce me?" I started to initiate the divorce myself, but couldn't follow through it just yet. Every increment in leading up to the separation, like packing up stuff, and putting stuff away, and moving it out, it's going to hurt it's going to feel like a thousand paper cuts, one at a time over a long period of time. It's going to emotionally psychologically and logically screw with your head from day to day.
What my experience has been is between reading everything and everyone's situation on on here, it's almost like you have to get so fed up with the lack of progress, that you become angry, then you slowly accept and become peaceful, then you get frustrated again and then you accept and then become peaceful. At least for me what I'm trying to say is every time I experienced something moving towards the separation. It makes me angry, then I accept it more with each passing incident. This is why everyone here tells you and tells us to stop focusing on them and start focusing on ourselves. There are things that we need to get done, there are things that we need to realize and internalize, there are things that we need to change, and there are things that we need to move forward with, whether we like it or not.
Remember what I said earlier and posting about how they feel like they're owed some kind of suffrage for putting up with us and all our flaws? How they said things probably along the lines of they've been trying for years and we just didn't see it. I still think this comes down to a communication issue between most men and women, how they think, how they feel, and how they communicate differently. Because men are more simple-minded we tend to brush these things under the rug. We keep a tally of some major instances but we don't keep a running tally of all the bad instances within a marriage. I think that men have more of a sentiment to history. History means something to them. But to the WAS. Their only focus in this phase of their life and where they are at mentally the only thing they are concerned with is the current and the future. And they don't see us in their future Ironicly because of the past. I don't know what this phenomenon is between men and women and why I keep seeing patterns of it in every situation on here. The rewriting of history etc... I unfortunately don't have the answers as to why this is the way it is or what the answers are. I will probably die trying to figure these R dynamics out. I think M and W just love differently. Men see the good from the past, and say "I want more of that in the future." " If I like that experience I don't want to change, I want it to stay the same." I think that women think more along these lines...."Can the man in my life provide me with the future, the feelings, the experiences, and the provisions that I desire?" If not? Then their heart aches, they lose their identity, because they feel that they waste themselves for a lot of years on the relationship when they could have been improving themselves. I think maybe we are just wired and very differently in our thinking and how we love. I'm also noticing that men have a tendency to feel more hurt and angry and women have more of a tendency to feel more sad and resentful for time being wasted. Time is very important to them. Just nature. two opposites dealing with very different emotions and very different thinking
I think though from what I have gathered on here from everyone else's situation, that the best thing that we can do is just give them their space, accept what is going on in the current present reality and move forward without them. we have to make peace with it and we have to make the best of it and we have to carry on with our lives. we have to be okay with it internally and externally. Maybe overtime after physical separation, they will realize that they were flawed and learn from what they contributed to the downfall of the M. Maybe we will improve and they will see it over 2 or 3 years, maybe they won't? May be they will feel its just best to move on? Maybe they'll grow, may be will too? Maybe we will decided its just best to move on?
50% of marriages are successful 50% fail and 50% reconcile. So? I guess its just our imperative to make the best life possible for the circumstances for ourselves and our children. We cannot control another human being. Im trying to be nice, but not be a push over. Trying to accommodate and accept, but not be manipulated, guilted or shamed, trying to see reality for what it is with all relationships but not be a bitter misogynist. I hope this helps.
