I see what you mean about our H's having things in common, Dilly. The unpleasantness is just so adolescent. I feel very very detached from it all today - I'm sure I will have clingy and needy days ahead of me - but at the moment, I can't see anything to want in him, I feel sorry for him, and I just want to be away from him.
I think the pension and finances stuff is a red herring and it's good you don't speak to him about that. You don't want him sticking with you just because he doesn't like the sound of what a fair settlement would add up to. You're worth more than any amount of money.
I think the key here for you is not to initiate contact with him. The kids are old enough to be in touch with them on their own if they want to be, and I am sure you'd still facilitate him visiting them and driving them places, and you helping them get to him if it was needed. Otherwise, he's a self-obsessed and ill-mannered bully and why on earth would you want to waste an evening on him?
Make a list of things to do when you feel lonely and weak, and do all of them before you contact him.
