I've read a TON of posts on here and having lots of ambivalent thoughts. I recognize deeply that I have NGS - passive-aggressiveness, covert contracts, validation from others, lack of conflict resolution, everything. It hasn't affected my professional life much and I don't think it's hindered my progress there, but it's very clearly led my WAW to a place of great frustration and a loss of respect. That breakdown of the trust between us I believe is what it's driving our upcoming S.
We haven't talked in too much depth about the mechanics of the actual S, other than her reciting things that I'm reading on here are very scripted - she's confused about what she wants, she needs space, and so on. I absolutely believe that she needs space but I get the sense that many veterans here would push back on the first point: if she were confused about what she wanted, she'd stay and dig in her heels as opposed to separating. Instead she is walking away and likely getting her ducks in a row, swimming into the deep end of the pool to see what the water is like. She may not be 100% sure if she wants to D, but she wants to S: now I'm left to wonder if the S is more about adjustment, or a sincere lack of clarity on her part. I don't want limbo, I don't want to be a Plan B - it is not productive, nor fair. But I also know I likely cannot confront her on this topic.
It's painful for me to absorb that (and I have to admit, there's a bit of misogyny/assume the worst from women in the subtext that I find troublesome) but the healthiest thing for me is likely to assume that it's over, learn to emotionally detach, and work on myself. These are no-risk things that I am doing to put myself in a better position regardless of her next move because I cannot control her or base my life around her.
GAL won't be much of a problem for me, but I'm having some trouble with 180s. A lot of her complaints historically have been that I've been self-centered, unwilling to truly hear her or understanding her positions, which led to her feeling like an unequal partner in the relationship. This played itself out a number of ways: in our finances, in our sex life, and in our domestic day-to-day. Doing a 180 here feels somewhat against principles though: how can I simultaneously lovingly detach, while also showing her that I value her partnership?
I am a little worried about cake eating on her part as well. She has stated that she prefers the general way we handle our finances to not change: still use joint accounts, and for me to help her with rent on her new place. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with both, but more so on the latter. She is leaving me: why should I make that easy for her? She's talked to a lawyer about D, in her words to understand the economics of it. This certainly is a strike against her statement of what knowing what she wants, and a strike for this just being an intermediate step. But again, is this worth a confrontation? NGS tells me that it's not worth the conflict, DB tells me to be Alpha and stand my ground, but also not to pressure her or detach. Maybe I'm misunderstanding things.
What's frustrating for me about this is that she clearly sees me as someone who is emotionally fragile. This is certainly very painful for me right now, but I don't believe that to be true. I survived an abusive childhood to be an imperfect but well-liked, successful man. I guess the only thing I can do now is that show that, for myself, and let things happen as they come.
