Quick brain dump. So for some stupid reason I weakened on Friday and texted H to say I was in town before my GAL stuff and would he like to meet for a drink. He left work early and met me at the pub and he was actually quite friendly, he told me all about a big work event next week and I listened and validated and praised him for a few things which I thought deserved praise. I can see that he thinks he's at war with his boss, so as well as a tornado I'm now seeing him as off at war and unable to engage in a M. When he left I stood up to kiss his cheek and he leaned in for a tight hug. I kind of wish he hadn't because obviously as Steve said, that positive sign led me on too much. Sigh. Anyway I went off and did my GAL thing and sent H a few too many texts (stupid), and chatted to a few blokes during the activity and afterwards at the pub. One was interested in my but not my type, one was friendly but I found him a bit dull. One I didn't talk to but actually quite fancied! But he showed me no interest so he must have been gay, lol. I went home feeling ok, it was kind of nice to find another man attractive even if he wasn't interested in me.
Yesterday H was not in contact AT ALL which is weird but I stayed strong and didn't contact him. Got lots of work done, made dinner to watch in front of the TV with the kids. Felt super, super lonely but just sucked it up and went to bed early. Got up early this morning to work. H came home in the morning and I went to give him a hug and he was really resistant. Fine, I didn't push it. We went for a walk and he was just so cranky and miserable and generally horrible. He has a couple of employees who have some marital/affair stuff going on which he thinks he might need to deal with, I was a bit confused about the details so I was asking him questions and he kept getting really irritated with me and raised his voice, not cool. I don't know if there's some kind of thing going on there for him, either the thought of people at work knowing about his marital issues (unlikely because he has kept me away from his work since forever) or whether there is something he's hiding. Who knows. His behaviour was out of order though. Then he went back to talking about his boss and politics and I validated and he was just so cranky and miserable, it was quite depressing spending time with him. Then we went home and I went and did a bit of gardening. He seemed uncomfortable at home and like he didn't know what to do so I took myself away from the situation. When I got back I went and asked him if he was going to be grumpy at dinner later (we have a restaurant booked with the kids for fathers day) and he said I 'wasn't asking him the right questions'. What the F does that even mean? I think he meant when he was talking about his affair colleagues because that's when he was grumpiest. I considered telling him I wouldn't come to the restaurant, but I don't want to miss out on a nice meal with my teens (they'll disappear to their rooms when we get home) so I decided I would. Then I went and sat next to him on the sofa and told him about a book I've been reading and we sort of chatted about that, that was my way of smoothing things before dinner over I suppose though not sure he deserved it or was making any sort of effort himself). And then we took one kid each off to their activities and will meet for an early dinner later. Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to him being there. I know he's stressed about this event and about the colleague thing but really, not pleasant behaviour. At one stage in the car I asked him something and he started shouting and I said calmly 'did you realise your voice is raised?' and he sort of calmed down, but I don't wish to spend time with someone willing to shout at me. And then he said next week he hasn't got time to meet me in the evening. He means he's prioritising other people over me. I said that was fine, I have a lot of evening things on next week which is true.
Two weird things he said: one was about his pension (I have a tiny one so will be reliant on his come R or D) and how little it is to live on and stuff like this. I bit my lip to say that it'll be a lot LESS to live on if we D. And another thing he said was about how he wants to take his boss down but it would take him down too and it would cost him too much money because it would end his career. Again, a D would cost him a FORTUNE (and he's super cautious with money despite having plenty). Just so strange, he must really be in a bad place to even risk D!
Feeling much more ready to drop the rope now, it makes it easier when he's just plain horrible. I know he's unhappy and that I shouldn't take it personally, and that I'm not responsible for his happiness and can't fix him, but ugh. Especially after seeing a nicer, softer version of him on Friday.
