97Hope - you're right. I feel very calm today. The houseplant comment did a lot to help me move forward in detaching.
I think he's finally run out of complaints about the past - or at least he knows my response will be 'You have many reasons to be angry. I'd like to work together on a relationship that makes both of us feel happy and if you don't want that, I won't stand in your way,' so he doesn't really get the 'fix' of me being upset and eager to placate him anymore. So now he brings in things about the present. Houseplants! It's laughable. I think in the time he was here he complained that the leather on the sofa felt a bit rough and dry, that the garden wasn't tidy enough, that I'd not washed the tomatoes well enough, that the kids were being too noisy, that Eldest wasn't sharing nicely enough, that I shouldn't have asked the children if they wanted to play a card game with me after the meal, that I shouldn't have commented on something he was watching on the television, that I shouldn't ask him not to be sarcastic with me, but just bite my lip and bear it, that I had let some houseplants die, that the bin for garden refuse was too full, etc etc. I mainly just 'hmm' or validate and if it is something I agree needs doing, quietly do it, and if not, just let it pass. Then his complaints are that I am not taking his wants and needs seriously enough. When I try to consider his wants and needs - ie - he was moaning about the garden, so I bought some new lawn seed and fertiliser - he will respond with a lot of contempt and sarcasm - eye rolling and catty remarks. There's no comforting or pleasing him, so I am moving towards just not bothering. Who he is right now made him incredibly boring and tiresome to be around on Friday, and that was before he started drunkenly ranting about me using his name in the wrong tone of voice and everything he imagined was going on in my head in that moment. He's also very paranoid that I talk about him to others (I have a couple of friends he doesn't know who I do talk about the situation with, but never to mutual friends or acquaintances) and seems to hold me responsible for whatever he imagines is happening there. Nothing I can or feel inclined to do about that, nor some dead houseplants.
Eldest is in counselling and it's really helping. I set boundaries around disrespectful talk and behaviour, and there are consistent consequences for it. We're communicating much better, and most of our time together is really lovely - though he's especially difficult when H is around. Obviously H doesn't see the lovely side of him anymore, and isn't capable of looking at himself and wondering why that might be. Eldest's perspective is that it isn't fair I hold him to a higher standard than I hold H to. He has an excellent point, except I'm his parent and I'm not my H's parent, or even my H's wife right now. That's been a very hard concept for me to get my head around, so it is so wonder that a teenager struggles with it. Eldest has also seen me respond to H's delightful nature in very unhealthy ways - I take ownership of that - and it's going to take a lot of consistent 180ing and him witnessing that before I am past the point where he might think I should practice what I preach.
