I shall have both lamb and lipstick thread 6

[97Hope]

I get he's spinning and just trying to find reasons for the fact that he doesn't like living with me and wishes he did. His answer to that seems to be that I change, but the bar is set so impossibly high it feels he'd only be happy with a silent, ever smiling, perfectly absent yet domestically flawless robot.

It's not a bar, it's a moving target.
At this point he is unable to be happy with anyone/anything. Remember, it's where HE is. Not you.

Several months in I had to tell H that while I was very sorry that he was upset and hurting, I could no longer listen to the laundry list of his complaints about me unless he was willing and able to work together to find solutions to OUR problems. AnotherStander had a lot of insight into responding to these 'lists of faults'. Validate, but do not take credit for their emotions or reactions. I decided to glean from H what I knew to be true and work on those areas that I needed to change no matter who I was in relationship with, and let any petty criticisms roll off my back.

I know you are worried about him. I'm worried about mine, also. But remember, we didn't break them, we can't fix them.

In my sitch, I know for a fact that how much he is drinking is scary and will lead to bad things, but he can't hear that from me. I am enemy #1. I took a big gulp of the smoothie and just listened. As soon as I accepted that and stopped commenting on anything, I saw that he started telling me that he was drinking too much. Ive noticed that the less I 'notice' about him and focus on my stuff, the more he wants to share with me his struggles.

Re: your eldest. Might be time for counseling. Something I tell my S17 is that I understand that he is angry with H but S is in charge of his responses and I want him to have healthy coping skills, and then I try to model that. I'm also quite honest about my feelings, so he can feel less alone in his. Priority in that area is not getting involved in their relationship (My ic reminded me that my relationship with S is mine and H's relationship with S is theirs) but just listen and validate S.

Reality check: would you ever in a million years think that it is wise to draw a parallel between someone's ability to keep a houseplant alive and their relational aptitude? Of course not. Try not to get too close to that tornado.