I've woken up today quite worried about H. One of the things he spoke to me about when we were out walking that upset him was the fact that a while ago I let some of my houseplants die. He said it made him sad. He sounded angry. I tried to validate and understand, but how it felt was just one of a long list of minor and fairly irrational criticisms he has of me. Some of his criticisms have been warranted, and when I've taken action to correct them (my 180s) he's just moved the criticism to some other area of my life or personality or behaviour. That makes me think the problem is in him and in his heart and attitude and only partly to do with me and my actions.
I get he's spinning and just trying to find reasons for the fact that he doesn't like living with me and wishes he did. His answer to that seems to be that I change, but the bar is set so impossibly high it feels he'd only be happy with a silent, ever smiling, perfectly absent yet domestically flawless robot. The single thing I am asking for as a bottom line condition for going to MC is that he stops the verbal abuse, and he can't manage that, but also wants me to resurrect a couple of dead spider plants... he also, when we were walking, talked about booking a family holiday for the summer. I didn't agree to that, or disagree, but I remember thinking at the time that it was a terrible idea, and not what I wanted, and that I'd been imagining somewhere sunny with me and the two kids and him being there would just spoil it. It's also crazy that he seems to want those things when he's so unbelievably unhappy with who I am as a person, even when I'm just minding my own business and getting on with things. It's more crazy behaviour. I also know if I said, 'okay, yes, let's book the holiday - where shall we go?' that he'd say I was pressuring him and chasing him and annoying him - he is so incapable of interacting honestly and healthily.
I get we're all irrational when we're emotional - but generally I calm down after a while and can say, 'whew, that was an over-reaction,' but he seems to genuinely believe that stuff about the houseplants. It wasn't all he said, but it struck me at the time as the justifications of someone flailing and struggling to find new things to blame me for, and also as totally irrational. The way he over-reacted last night was also really something. I didn't feel unsafe and he wasn't as bad as I've seen him, but it was unacceptable and he shows little sign of being able to control his angry reactions to very basic and minor things. I don't want to R with him anymore but I am deeply concerned about his mental state.
I'd hoped that some time off would ease his mind a bit, but the reactivity and craziness is there under the surface. I am reacting to it differently - more detached - and it doesn't panic or upset me any more. I felt very calm in telling him I'd call him a taxi, and very relieved when he left. I am concerned for his sake, and the children's. I accept I can't fix him, can't control him, can't even really influence him - and I don't want to - but the worry is there all the same. I remember my own PND and how paranoid and reactive and crazy I got when it was really bad, and how little insight I had into what was going on with me. It was like my brain was broken - and I recognise that in him now, even though he doesn't himself.
It's Father's Day. He's going to pick up Youngest and take him to see his own Father. The kids have made him some cards which was nice, so I will make sure he gets those but I don't plan to do anything else for him or with him. I'm seeing a friend today for brunch and a walk, and plan to catch up on a bit of work this afternoon while the kids are out and busy.
Oh - and Dilly, you asked if Eldest has time with H. Well, no is the answer. Eldest is very angry at H and that comes out in some pretty unacceptable behaviour sometimes. I've been addressing that with him. When H used to come over to see Youngest in the house, Eldest would often make remarks like, 'I'm so glad Mum kicked you out,' and H would really react to this - understandably enough. I'm very very firm that this isn't acceptable, and I've backed that up by making time to really listen to Eldest and understand his point of view. It's a two pronged thing - validating the feelings and putting boundaries around the behaviour. Eldest feels very left out and hurt and sad - he's asked H to go on walks with him a couple of times, and H makes excuses not to go. I can see why H wouldn't want to spend time with someone who is pretty vile to him at times, but on the other hand, Eldest is the son and not the parent, and has been hurt and disappointed. When Eldest does make these kind of remarks to H, despite our agreements, H tends to respond with sarcasm and nastiness (Eldest is seeing a counsellor, and H knows about this and has, on two occasions, mocked him for it). Eldest's feeling is that why should he stop behaviour that H is 'allowed' to do. And I get that. If I keep out of it and leave them to it, then H is angry with me and feels unsupported. I've tried to back H up by attempting to include him in the parenting plan, but he isn't able to stick with it and instead of responding with assertiveness, he'll have a tantrum. Eldest has no respect at all for him and I can see why. And he still tries to offer the olive branch and seek his approval and attention sometimes, and is deeply hurt that all his love and energy is being poured into Youngest in front of him, and i can get that. It's a mess and other than what I'm currently doing, it isn't possible for me to repair it.
