So so new to this :(

[Rita]

Oh, Nyla, I am grieving for you. (And thank you for the tears on my last response, you should see my tears in writing it!)

My son is the same as your daughter, and same age.

He completely transformed when his dad went crazy. He was eight years old. Then he became a school refuser in 7th grade, missed 75 days of school. Shoplifting and many other things. The key was to keep the lines of communication open. Make sure she keeps trusting you and sees your strength and your ability to forgive. My son is my cross, but I am carrying him while he carries his own cross (that's a heavy load!), and he doesn't even know that he is carrying one or why or how, let alone see any meaning in it.

Tell her you love her constantly. And tell her that you respect her fire and her anger and her very clear sense of right and wrong, and that her morals will make her a great woman. Keep validating who she is -- because she is totally right, she is seeing things very clearly, like Huckleberry Finn choosing to go to hell if that's what he had to do to free Jim.

But tell her also that when she is ready to start thinking about forgiveness, that it will free her, that she doesn't want this terrible lady to change who she is or make it impossible for her to ever see her dad again. But that she can take as long as she wants to think about that, just to know that that freedom is out there one day for her.

DnJ and Peacetoday gave great advice. I would like to add to that -- show her some movies and get her to write. Show her "Good Will Hunting" and "The Four Hundred Blows" and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Let her see that adults do some crazy stuff and kids can't change that, even if it hurts them deeply. If she likes to write, have her write her feelings in poetry or work on a film script. Or have her write a short story about a girl just like her, tell her to use any details she wants and fictionalize or don't fictionalize what she wants. Teens love to write when given the chance to write from the heart. If you want, I can even send you some ideas if you tell me if she wants to write poetry or fiction or a screenplay. I am going to paste some below that I found on the internet, for you and her to do together. Give her a really beautiful journal and a really gorgeous set of pens.

Let her know that one day she will be able to know her dad again and that it will be better for her to have her dad in her life, even if she can't respect or understand his choices, even if they hurt her and he doesn't understand that. But that for now it's okay if she feels differently. If you are Catholic, I can recommend a great book I just got my daughter that helps kids process divorce issues without condoning divorce in any way.

If you are a religious family, I can also recommend some prayers she can say for herself and for her family and yes, for her dad.

Here are some prompts I found that look good, for you to do together if she wants. You can add some that relate to your family situation once you get the hang of it. I couldn't do this with my son but we go on walks at midnight or 1 in the morning, whenever he asks me, and that's when he likes to go, and we talk about things like this. But with a girl I bet she would write about it with you -- in a journal or in letters.

I can send some for creative writing if she would write about her life in poems or stories/scripts. Once DnJ wrote a letter to my son, which I gave to my son, and it was really powerful. I can do that for her too. My parents split up when I was her age, and I learned rage then, and it haunted me until about five years ago. I understand her very well!

((((NYLA)))))) -- and even more, (((((Nyla's daughter)))))))

1) Both: What is your favorite season of the year? What is it that makes this stand out from the others?
2) Both: If you could be any animal for a day, what would you choose? Why does this animal appeal to you? Can
you think of any down-sides to being this animal?
3) Parent: Describe your favorite memory from school (around age your child is now).
Child: Describe the best day of school you have ever had and why.
4) Parent: Were you ever bullied as a child? If yes, share your experience and how it made you feel. If not, share
about bullying you witnessed in school.
Child: Have you ever been bullied at school? If yes, share about your experience and how you feel about it. If not, share about bullying you see happen at school.
5) Both: Describe your favorite memory from the last year.
6) Both: “The best thing about being ME is: ______.”
7) Both: “The hardest part about being ME is ______.”
8) Both: What would you do to help the poor if money was not an issue?
9) Parent: Describe the day you brought your child home from the hospital. How did you feel?
Child: Describe your earliest memory.
10) Both: What is one belonging that you will NEVER throw away?
11) Both: Describe the part of your current home that you love the most.
12) Both: Describe the part of your current home that you dislike the most.
13) Both: Close your eyes and imagine the most relaxing place possible. Where is this place? Describe how it looks,
feels and smells. Is this a real place?
14) Both: What is your favorite food? Can you explain why you like it so much?
15) Both: “If I received $1000 to spend on anything I wanted, I would buy ___. Here is why: ___.”
16) Both: What is the thing that scares you the most? Can you explain why?
17) Both: “My favorite memory with you is _____.”
18) Parent: “My biggest wish for you is _____.”
Child: “My biggest hope for my future is _____.”
19) Both: “The number one thing I would like to change about myself is: ____. Here is why: ____.”
20) Both: What do you imagine your life will be like in 5 years?
21) Both: What do you imagine your life will be like in 10 years?
22) Parent: “For me, school was _____.”
Child: “For me, school is _____.”And more!
23) Parent: “The hardest part of being an adult is _____.” Child: “The hardest part of being a teenager is ____.”
24) Both: The best advice you have ever received.
25) Both: The thing I think I am best at is ______. How do you know?
26) Both: Do you believe in ghosts? UFOs? Why or why not?
27) Both: The nicest thing anyone has ever said to you. How did you feel when you heard it?
28) Parent: Is there something you wish you had done or tried as a teen? What is it and why?
Child: Is there something new you would like try, but haven’t? What is it and why?
29) Both: Write about a time you made a mistake and tried to hide it. How did that work?
30) Both: Write about a time you made a mistake and were honest about it. How did that work?
31) Both: What three items would you want with you if you were stranded on a deserted island?
32) Parent: What was dating like for you in middle school and high school?
Child: What is your experience with dating? Are you happy with your experiences?
33) Both: What is your favorite song of all time? What do you think about when you hear it?
34) Both: If you were to get a tattoo today, what would you get? If you would not get one, explain why.
35) Both: My questions for you about sex and sexuality.
36) Both: My answers to your questions about sex and sexuality. (It is fair for both of you to include “I am not
comfortable answering that question” in your responses.)
37) Both: Describe yourself in five sentences. Explain if desired.
38) Both: Describe the other person in five sentences. Explain if desired.
39) Both: What worries you most about getting older?
40) Parent: What do you most hope your child will learn to do before they are on their own?
Child: What do you need help with learning before you move away from home?
41) Both: If we could go on a road-trip together, where would you want to go first? Second? Third?
42) Both: What would you like to be an expert on? Describe what and why.
43) Both: “Sometimes it is hard for me to tell you _______.”
44) Parent: “When I was your age, my hero was _______. This is why I admired this person: ____.”
Child: “My hero is ________. This is why I admire this person: _____.”
45) Both: My very favorite meal is _____. Tell why you love this so much.
46) Both: What is the one thing you need to do or see every day? Why?
47) Both: “My favorite thing to day dream about is ______. Here is why: _____.”
48) Both: One activity you would like to do together in the next month and why. (Start making some plans!)
49) Both: The house hold chore you hate the most and why.
50) Both: Draw me a picture of something that makes you feel happy.
51) Both: Draw me a picture of something that makes you feel sad.
52) Both: Describe your favorite thing about the other person.