Not sure if I mentioned it before, but WAW is in Virginia on a bachelorette party for her cousin. That must be a bit weird, celebrating someone else's upcoming wedding while hers/ours is on the ropes. She sent me a text Thursday that she got in safely, but nothing last night. This is one of the harder areas - almost constant contact for seven years, and now entire days with none. Last Saturday was probably the first day in seven years in which we didn't talk at all. It's probably negative behavior to pay attention to these things, but it's meaningful to me right now that she's still initiating contact. I will admit in the safe space of this forum that when my phone buzzes, I am hopeful it is from her. Again, I know that's not helpful for me right now but there's no value in being dishonest about it. It is what it is.
Given the weekend to myself, I drew up a plan of what I wanted to accomplish. Go out and get some new jeans to accommodate the weight I've lost from working out, put a lot of old memorabilia of our R into a box so I don't have to see it anymore, hit the gym twice, do a 180 on some leadership-related behaviors (work out a fixed budget during the S, get my/our various financial affairs in order and in a central location, etc.), and see friends. I'm also going to start making a long-term plan for a potential R - not in the NGS way of "if I do this, she'll do that", but more written reminders to myself about GAL, validating, not initiating, and so on.
Still very much on the fence about MC. IC will continue for both of us. I've read enough on here that what works is often counter-intuitive, and that while MC will be a fixed opportunity for us to meet, work together, and re-form as a team, I also recognize that it might not be giving her the space that she needs and ultimately end up adding pressure. Maybe the right strategy here is to go to our next session, see how it goes, and then decide.
Also on the fence about wearing my ring. She hasn't since the BD, and I have to say that's one of more hurtful things about all of this, noticing that. I feel sheepish wearing mine when she doesn't, but I also feel like we're still married, so it's an external signal to everyone about my intentions. I haven't worn mine the past few days and it's very felt strange.
Been thinking a lot about perspective, and how to maintain it. One thing that my friends are very good about is pointing out things that are true in a vacuum: I'm young (37), I have a lot of physically attractive qualities (6'5", in good shape), and have had lots of professional success: started a company, sold that company, now C-suite at a 1000-person company. These things are objectively true, and I know they are right that in the worst-case scenario, there are plenty of fishes in the sea, particularly here in NYC. That's obviously not what I want, but it's good to have that baseline. I need to remind myself of that.
The other aspect of perspective I'm trying to keep is that I have a good friend of mine, actually an ex-hookup from my college days, who is now a single mother and suffering from Stage 2 cancer. It's awful and she's such a fighter. I check in with her every few weeks just to see how she is doing, and one of the things she told me when we talked last is that at the end of the day, your health is what matters. Worrying about the things that are small in comparison to your health will seem so minor when you're up against something like she is.
Anyway, step by step, one day at a time, moving forward.
