Uni have you considered drafting a parental plan? There are plenty of templates online. If W agrees it can become legally binding in family court, and is usually good premptive measure, before filing for CS.
What is CS?
What concerns me most is custody. Your idea of a parenting plan sounds interesting. Best would be something we jointly type up and sign off, without lawyers. I don’t know if that’s binding or not. Perhaps such a plan would alleviate my concerns about trust.
As of this moment, I view accepting trial separation as a leap of faith. Faith that UC can handle this new limbo situation. Faith that it will be worth trying. Faith that in the process, I will either see progress in my R or not (especially in MC), and make good decisions for myself.
I believe a truly confident man can assess the nuances of his sitch and make appropriate decisions. In this case, I don’t think I need to lawyer up for the TS. For instance, I don’t need to worry about finances. I’m not going to make a fuss about it. Yeah, it’s expensive. OK. Not the end of the world. Money is traceable. My W is not going to go date. If she does, I’ll file for D. There’s what’s important and what’s not. I am not feeling adversarial about this. This is a leap of faith. The more legal I make it, the more I’m saying let’s just D. So what’s important? What I want in my life going forward is a great relationship with my kids, and to be a better UC. If my W wants to join us (shine the flashlight back), she’s welcome... if we aren’t too far down that path.
Now I’m going to ramble some more...
I also think I have the option to stop the TS at any time. So I can stay curious, calm, and make thoughtful, considered decisions on a day-by-day basis. What do I need to see in the TS to avoid D? Better communication. Change in the abusive narrative. And my W valuing my opinions and feelings again.
Is that possible? Is it worth trying? Do I want to be with someone who thinks (or ever thought) this of me?
Right now, I think yes (remotely), not sure, not sure.
My W started MC with abuse talk. She is afraid of me. She established that right away. This wasn’t an act, it is her truth. I can completely disagree with the reality of it, but it is her truth. When I said I wanted to “lean in” to the MR, she was stunned. She was confused. She did not know how to respond. Her trial separation request was clearly not thought out. Later that night, she wanted to talk to me. For the first time in 3 months. It was a peculiar and interesting talk. DB says don’t try to mind-read, so I won’t try to over analyze what all this means. It is a fact she expected me to ask for D. I do not believe she is diabolical enough to have this master plan to screw me over perfectly playing out right now. That’s not because I have rose-colored glasses on, it’s because I still view her as a hurt, scared human being, and I do have some empathy. It just so happens I’m the person she blames. I listened a lot, I validated.
Example: I came back from a business trip 2 months ago with a gift. She told me “You don’t need to get me a gift.” I said, “Oh I know I was just thinking of you and how much extra work it is when I”m gone an how I appreciate you” and she said “You don’t need to get me a gift.” Next trip, I get no gift. I figured, she’s already thinking of leaving me, don’t pressure her.
Guess what? She WANTED A GIFT. We hashed out why, and it’s pointless details, but I basically said “Thank you for sharing this with me, this is really good feedback because I want to know how you are feeling and why, so I can be more responsive.” The reality is she could have just told me why she didn’t want a gift the first time, and I would have understood and validated. And then gotten her a gift the second time. I mean... the communication issues... oof. But at least she shared something. There were other things like that. Mostly examples of misunderstandings which I tried to avoid defending, and just validated. Again, it’s all one-sided right now, UC is to blame.
So every day I need to revisit — is it possible for her to value me again? Is it worth trying? Do I want to be with someone who ever thought I was deserving of the abuse label?
