I’m not saying I am cowed by my W’s abuse talk, and so far the threats are indirect. Indirect but real. My worst case here is getting in a nasty custody battle. This means treading carefully, making sure my custody needs are met. This would include if we separate that I feel safe in our arrangement so I don’t get screwed if we end up divorcing. Without L’s involved.
It is tricky to navigate but the calmer I am the better. Basically if we separate which right now I agree to (terms are debatable) I need to feel safe and secure that my rights as a father are solid. I need some trust. I don’t know what that means exactly, and TBH it is hard to trust my W right now. Or really to trust my W in a year if we go down the D route and things get contentious.
And yes, this trust is a big part of whether I would consider R. Just like she says she needs to build trust with me, and it’s hard to define how to do that, I need to build trust with her, meaning I can’t always be waiting for abuse allegations.
So yeah this trust is affecting how I look at things More than who lives where. I plan to address this in MC next week. But I can’t define exactly what I’m looking for to be assured.
Exactly.
I'm not suggesting to ignore advice, or to follow advice 100 percent. But I am suggesting that taking advice and learning how to apply it to your sit (or mine or anyones) is most important. It has taken some trial and error in my sit, bc some of the advice I followed and experimented with did not go over well (at ALL). Others went way better than expected. Each S will react differently in each unique sit.
That being said the very helpful advice being given here by some amazing people based on previous experience is absolute treasure (shout out to you all)
The key elements as always is to focus on yourself and the kids. I think because those areas are where the most control lies.
The variable is how W reacts. Which is also why I think DB teaches not to react.
The thing we have to figure out is how to interact for practical purposes when necessary. That and the challenge of keeping things civil and calm while still projecting assertiveness.
