dillydaf, the roller-coaster ride of emotions is real. I vacillated between telling her it was over, pack her stuff and get out, and wanting desperately for her stay to the point of panic, and everything in between, and it could swing in a matter of minutes.
IT is all part of the process. The goal is detachment. So that you are no longer reacting emotionally to anything he says or does. Positive or negative. To be honest, most LBSs have more of a problem not reacting to positive things from their WAS. It is the "he likes me, he really likes me!" type of thing. The best thing to do is to remain emotionally level, no matter what.
Not reacting emotionally really helps you make sober, clear minded decisions. For instance:
1) If he comes to you and says, "I am so sorry. I want to move back home and work on things." - The emotional reaction is to be overjoyed, open the door wide open and allow him to waltz back in without doing any work or putting in any effort. - The logical thing to do is to remain unemotional, and make sure you've thought through the list of criteria necessary for him to EARN his way back. Those include: a period of time where he is fully engaged in working on Ring. IC for himself. Agreeing to MC once he moves back home and has been in IC for a while. Etc....
2) If he comes to you and says: "I am filing for D. It is over. Please do not contact me except about the kids and the D proceedings." - The emotional thing to do is to react with begging, crying, pleading, promising. Sadness, anger, frustration and fear. This will result in not doing the things necessary to protect yourself and to prepare. - The logical thing to do is to make once last statement of disagreement. "I am sorry you feel that way. I disagree and think what we had could be saved. But it isn't up to me so I will not try to stand in your way." And then contact an attorney, and get prepared for the legal proceedings that is D, including working on all agreements related to custody (if any) and property splitting.
dilly, the above is hard. Maybe harder even for LBWs since women tend to be driven more by emotion. But reacting in a logical way rather than emotional will make an impression on the walkaway. I know in my sitch, when I reacted as expected, it caused her to run the other way, seemed to confirm to her she was making the right decision, and she even seemed as if she was prepared for that ahead of time. "I know he'll try to talk me out of it" sort of thing. But when I didn't react emotionally. When I remained calm and resolute, and even seemed accommodating, it took her by surprise. It made her curious wondering what was up. She often would immediately back down from it. "We'll that is the way I felt, but I am not sure." And it always made her move closer back as she started to doubt the decision.
You've got this though. You are a strong, independent lady! You don't need a man, even this particular man, for validation. You are capable of anything life has to throw at you! You will not only survive, no matter what, but thrive!
Hey dilly. I know we had a bit of a conflicting oppinion in another post between the sexes, misogyny and misandry. I highly encourage what Steve has said to you above. But for the right reasons. Because of the way your husband is currently treating you, your marriage, and your family. I want to see you become independent, I want to see you strong, I want to see you go from surviving to thriving, I want to see you not needing a man. But....I have seen these phrases in countless times in relationship book, articles, and podcasts related to women's divorce, seperation, and relationship management. Yes it is empowering to the reader, as it should be, but it also encourages bitterness torwards the opposite sex as well. Depening on the audience it is intended for. It encourages not working things out and going solo to save yourself. Although good to get through the quagmire of troubled relationships, or lack thereof. What long term consequences does this have? It could save you, it could land you a better man in the future, it could empower you to make life changes you never thought were possible. But? What consequences could it have torwards your family in the long term future? If the way your husband is treating you is not helping you, by all means leave the relationship. But for the right reasons and weigh the cost short term and long.
I think we all get caught up in taglines and euphemisms and certain generalizations from different sources while seeking answers to all of our situations. Mine as of lately happens to be from the "Red Pill" Community regarding men going their own way, women and feminism in general. It's like a mind virus. I cannot tell you how many times I have read from other people's profiles that have taglines in that's a "treat others as the way you want to be treated" it is great advice. but when you see the countless amount of times the same taglines from all different people in all different walks of life, you have to ask yourself who is the author and what is their intention, and what audience do they intend to captivate? it's also like the old saying when you point a finger at someone there's three pointing back at you. people who go through trouble and hardship are very easily influenced by others because they're trying to find a solution. If we weren't we wouldn't be here subscribe to MWD'S ideas and theories. I am also guilty of subscribing to other people's ideologies when I'm in search of something. Sometimes I have to step back and ask myself are these ideas true to reality and are they of my own? I'm genuinely not trying to start a battle between misogyny and misandry, but simply trying to distinguish the differences between the sexes and how they think, feel, and act in general. To become more aware of it to clear up any misunderstandings or communication issues. I'm not even that concerned with my wife right now. I'm more concerned with our society as a whole and the divorce rate. it's an epidemic and we need to be the change for the right reasons. There are clearly major divisions between the sexes being implemented on purpose with a mix of some good ideologies and some extremely bad ones. I try to be a free and independent thinker throughout all the saturated media of looking for answers to things in life. Sometimes we get caught up in what we are currently learning. Hope this clears up any misunderstandings between us
