Steve, when I caught my W's EA I had no evidence. I had a gut feeling. An instinct. That said "something ain't right". So search in your gut. You wrote the "her queerness" paragraph above. My guess is that you already suspect something. Even if it is just an EA at this point in time. We have a saying around here: a monkey doesn't jump from the branch it is on until it has identified another branch that can support it.
Fair call out - she identifies as bisexual, but with the rise of #metoo and everything, I think it's made her a lot more sensitive to feminist issues. As a result - and probably as a function of us having problems - she joined a female-heavy volunteer group that works locally to put progressive candidates onto community boards. That group is also very heavily aligned with the LGBTQ community.
I don't think she's had an EA/PA, but I can agree that the pieces don't add up and the timing is very coincidental.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Living together before marriage is often referred to as "trying it out before getting married". I am anti-shacking up, but this has been the rationale for living together for as long as I can remember. "Trial separation." What do you think that is a "trial" for? I don't know the stats but I would say that the statistics for those that separate would show a pretty high D rate for those that go that route. "but something needed to charge in order for both of us to get a new perspective." I agree with that statement. But my point is why is separating the change? Why is her not sleeping in another bedroom (ok this is NYC so you might only have one, but there is the couch!)?
Now here is the thing. You have no control over that. "I would prefer if we remained together while we work through this. However, I cannot stop you from moving out so if you feel that is what you need to do I will not try to stop you." However, I have to say, that packing up books sounds pretty permanent. And what about leases, assuming she is moving into her own place (do you even know this)?
I definitely said something along those lines, but I think she's dead set on changing the perspective. I'm paraphrasing what she's told me, but her opinion is that things between us having gotten so bad and it was so upsetting to her to have our alliance in such a place that it caused everything to be colored black, making it impossible for us to see the good in each other. The only way (and again, I'm paraphrasing her here) for her to regain perspective and attempt to view things differently is the change the situation, as painful as that might be.
I understand the logic. It [censored] and is painful, but I understand it. I do believe that she's been upset for months, and feels like I wasn't hearing her, that I wasn't putting the homework from MC in place in our day-to-day life, and that I took for granted that she'd always be there. And I can't say she's wrong about most of it.
