Dilly 2.1 part 5

[SteveLW]

dillydaf, the roller-coaster ride of emotions is real. I vacillated between telling her it was over, pack her stuff and get out, and wanting desperately for her stay to the point of panic, and everything in between, and it could swing in a matter of minutes.

IT is all part of the process. The goal is detachment. So that you are no longer reacting emotionally to anything he says or does. Positive or negative. To be honest, most LBSs have more of a problem not reacting to positive things from their WAS. It is the "he likes me, he really likes me!" type of thing. The best thing to do is to remain emotionally level, no matter what.

Not reacting emotionally really helps you make sober, clear minded decisions. For instance:

1) If he comes to you and says, "I am so sorry. I want to move back home and work on things."
- The emotional reaction is to be overjoyed, open the door wide open and allow him to waltz back in without doing any work or putting in any effort.
- The logical thing to do is to remain unemotional, and make sure you've thought through the list of criteria necessary for him to EARN his way back. Those include: a period of time where he is fully engaged in working on Ring. IC for himself. Agreeing to MC once he moves back home and has been in IC for a while. Etc....

2) If he comes to you and says: "I am filing for D. It is over. Please do not contact me except about the kids and the D proceedings."
- The emotional thing to do is to react with begging, crying, pleading, promising. Sadness, anger, frustration and fear. This will result in not doing the things necessary to protect yourself and to prepare.
- The logical thing to do is to make once last statement of disagreement. "I am sorry you feel that way. I disagree and think what we had could be saved. But it isn't up to me so I will not try to stand in your way." And then contact an attorney, and get prepared for the legal proceedings that is D, including working on all agreements related to custody (if any) and property splitting.

dilly, the above is hard. Maybe harder even for LBWs since women tend to be driven more by emotion. But reacting in a logical way rather than emotional will make an impression on the walkaway. I know in my sitch, when I reacted as expected, it caused her to run the other way, seemed to confirm to her she was making the right decision, and she even seemed as if she was prepared for that ahead of time. "I know he'll try to talk me out of it" sort of thing. But when I didn't react emotionally. When I remained calm and resolute, and even seemed accommodating, it took her by surprise. It made her curious wondering what was up. She often would immediately back down from it. "We'll that is the way I felt, but I am not sure." And it always made her move closer back as she started to doubt the decision.

You've got this though. You are a strong, independent lady! You don't need a man, even this particular man, for validation. You are capable of anything life has to throw at you! You will not only survive, no matter what, but thrive!