Actually I was reading about research the other day where Hs were more likely to leave their Ws after a cancer diagnosis than Ws to leave Hs, and it's dramatically likely to increase the D rate apparently. What a crappy thing to do.
Thank you all for your thoughts. I feel very fragile today for so many reasons. And I also feel very, very sad. But I appreciate your input.
I met someone a few years ago who was very well, and working and living her life. She was a really lively, bubbly, outgoing and kind person. We got to know each other a little during the time we worked together. Five years previously, just a few months married, she'd found a lump in her breast and was quickly diagnosed with cancer in her breast and also her lymph nodes. The doctors said she had a low chance of survival, and she spent the next two years having aggressive surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, the works. She had infections and all sorts, but eventually made a full recovery. She lived with the high chance that the cancer would come back at some point, but when I met her she was well and had been for some time. Her husband left her - moved all his stuff out of the house and just abandoned her - about two months after she was diagnosed. He was living with someone else within six months, while she was undergoing the worst of her treatment. She said she'd found his abandonment - his ability just to compartmentalise what she thought was a happy and secure relationship - more traumatic than her diagnosis, the treatment, the effect it had on her fertility, and then living with the sense that her cancer would almost certainly return at some point. But she also said she'd rather have found out early what sort of man he was, and there would have been no other way to find it out other than going through it. She'd seen the very worst of him and didn't want him. I was in awe of her then (that she hadn't had him murdered, for a start) and though we didn't keep in touch I often think of her. She got a massive critical illness payout on her life insurance, and planned to spend it all travelling. I don't know how she felt when she was alone at three in the morning, but I got the sense she was a really peaceful person determined to enjoy every moment of life. I'm not sure how her exhusband got through the days, having to look at himself in the mirror each morning, but she seemed to be doing fine.
I'm so sorry you're feeling sad, Dilly. Everyone here knows how you feel.
As a person who has never been able to go dark, I get where you are coming from. But you don't need to go fully dark. You just need to give yourself space to breath and clear your head. Right now all your focus is on him, and all your actions a reaction to his actions.
So go dark for you. Pull away for you. Right now this man doesn't deserve you. And right now you can't see that because you are only looking at him.
Shortly after BD I got really ill. H had been flying for a couple of days and by day 2, I couldn't get out of bed. I had possibly the worst bladder infection of my life. I called my MIL and she took me to A&E (it was about half past 8) whilst our au pair looked after the kids. After waiting for three hours, crying uncontrollable at the emergency doctor, I finally got some antibiotics and came home (I refused the antidepressants). My H came home around 1 am (and yes, he had been working). He came in to the room (he stayed in the MBR until he moved out), looked at me, said "Mum says you're sick" then "you need to start looking after yourself, you can't afford to get sick", got changed, walked out of the room and watched TV for two hours.
My point is, a useless arse of a H is no use to anyone.
We deserve someone who will bring us cups of tea when we're sick. And if we don't have them, we will make our own damn tea.
Gosh FS, what a nasty way to behave And wow Alison, that is just awful, how unbelievable someone could do that. I suppose it seems like some people are so weak they can't handle supporting another person. I have a memory of a neighbour of ours when I was a kid. Her H walked out on her one day. It happened to be the day she came home from hospital with a newborn baby (she had a toddler). It was also the day her dad died suddenly and her mum was diagnosed with cancer. And she came home and her H went and got his suitcase and told her he was leaving. I don't imagine he had a great relationship with his kids!
Thanks everyone. OK, I'm going to take some time to myself now. I have a lot of work to do so I'm really going to focus on that because it's making me panic about my next deadline. And tonight I have GAL plans, meeting one of my new friends for a history walk. Time to have some fun!
I've never forgotten her or her story even though I knew her only briefly. I remember asking her, while we were talking, why she thought her husband had done what he'd done - what was in his head? And she shrugged and smiled and said something like, 'I spent a long time thinking about that, and it was time wasted. There's no reason that could make me change my mind about him now.' I'm typing this out as much for myself as I am for you - sometimes the whys and wherefores don't matter. Obviously neither of our H's have done anything QUITE as bad as the spouses we're talking about (and I think women can be like this too) but I am trying to remind myself that the principle is the same. I hope you have lots of fun today - you deserve it.
Yes, I think being constantly reminded on here not to mind read is advice I REALLY need to follow Off to do an aerobics class with my friend and then working and then GALing. I need to arrange something for tomorrow evening after I've got a chunk of work done. No texts to H whatsoever today or tomorrow.
So I ended up going to a different class as the first one was cancelled, I hadn't been to this one for ages but it was great, lots of energetic punching and kicking, I imagined H's face in front of me and probably will have sore muscles tomorrow Going home I had a sudden image of my H as a vortex of pain and confusion and anxiety, I literally had this picture in my mind of a tornado of his feelings. And I thought 'that looks dangerous to be near, you don't try to understand a tornado, you just keep your distance and try not get sucked into it and damaged yourself'. I'm going to keep this image in mind, because it seems to sum up where he's currently at and the risk I'm putting myself in by getting too close. I'll only be blamed for his bad feelings and confusion, just like he has done over our M. If he's in self-destruct mode with work and alcohol then I can't help him and am best off keeping back. I'm also putting a post-it on my phone saying NO! so that when I'm tempted to contact him I won't. Wish me luck. I took my wedding ring off, not sure when or if it'll go back on but it feels wrong right now, I don't really feel married.
dillydaf, the roller-coaster ride of emotions is real. I vacillated between telling her it was over, pack her stuff and get out, and wanting desperately for her stay to the point of panic, and everything in between, and it could swing in a matter of minutes.
IT is all part of the process. The goal is detachment. So that you are no longer reacting emotionally to anything he says or does. Positive or negative. To be honest, most LBSs have more of a problem not reacting to positive things from their WAS. It is the "he likes me, he really likes me!" type of thing. The best thing to do is to remain emotionally level, no matter what.
Not reacting emotionally really helps you make sober, clear minded decisions. For instance:
1) If he comes to you and says, "I am so sorry. I want to move back home and work on things." - The emotional reaction is to be overjoyed, open the door wide open and allow him to waltz back in without doing any work or putting in any effort. - The logical thing to do is to remain unemotional, and make sure you've thought through the list of criteria necessary for him to EARN his way back. Those include: a period of time where he is fully engaged in working on Ring. IC for himself. Agreeing to MC once he moves back home and has been in IC for a while. Etc....
2) If he comes to you and says: "I am filing for D. It is over. Please do not contact me except about the kids and the D proceedings." - The emotional thing to do is to react with begging, crying, pleading, promising. Sadness, anger, frustration and fear. This will result in not doing the things necessary to protect yourself and to prepare. - The logical thing to do is to make once last statement of disagreement. "I am sorry you feel that way. I disagree and think what we had could be saved. But it isn't up to me so I will not try to stand in your way." And then contact an attorney, and get prepared for the legal proceedings that is D, including working on all agreements related to custody (if any) and property splitting.
dilly, the above is hard. Maybe harder even for LBWs since women tend to be driven more by emotion. But reacting in a logical way rather than emotional will make an impression on the walkaway. I know in my sitch, when I reacted as expected, it caused her to run the other way, seemed to confirm to her she was making the right decision, and she even seemed as if she was prepared for that ahead of time. "I know he'll try to talk me out of it" sort of thing. But when I didn't react emotionally. When I remained calm and resolute, and even seemed accommodating, it took her by surprise. It made her curious wondering what was up. She often would immediately back down from it. "We'll that is the way I felt, but I am not sure." And it always made her move closer back as she started to doubt the decision.
You've got this though. You are a strong, independent lady! You don't need a man, even this particular man, for validation. You are capable of anything life has to throw at you! You will not only survive, no matter what, but thrive!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
dillydaf, the roller-coaster ride of emotions is real. I vacillated between telling her it was over, pack her stuff and get out, and wanting desperately for her stay to the point of panic, and everything in between, and it could swing in a matter of minutes.
IT is all part of the process. The goal is detachment. So that you are no longer reacting emotionally to anything he says or does. Positive or negative. To be honest, most LBSs have more of a problem not reacting to positive things from their WAS. It is the "he likes me, he really likes me!" type of thing. The best thing to do is to remain emotionally level, no matter what.
Not reacting emotionally really helps you make sober, clear minded decisions. For instance:
1) If he comes to you and says, "I am so sorry. I want to move back home and work on things." - The emotional reaction is to be overjoyed, open the door wide open and allow him to waltz back in without doing any work or putting in any effort. - The logical thing to do is to remain unemotional, and make sure you've thought through the list of criteria necessary for him to EARN his way back. Those include: a period of time where he is fully engaged in working on Ring. IC for himself. Agreeing to MC once he moves back home and has been in IC for a while. Etc....
2) If he comes to you and says: "I am filing for D. It is over. Please do not contact me except about the kids and the D proceedings." - The emotional thing to do is to react with begging, crying, pleading, promising. Sadness, anger, frustration and fear. This will result in not doing the things necessary to protect yourself and to prepare. - The logical thing to do is to make once last statement of disagreement. "I am sorry you feel that way. I disagree and think what we had could be saved. But it isn't up to me so I will not try to stand in your way." And then contact an attorney, and get prepared for the legal proceedings that is D, including working on all agreements related to custody (if any) and property splitting.
dilly, the above is hard. Maybe harder even for LBWs since women tend to be driven more by emotion. But reacting in a logical way rather than emotional will make an impression on the walkaway. I know in my sitch, when I reacted as expected, it caused her to run the other way, seemed to confirm to her she was making the right decision, and she even seemed as if she was prepared for that ahead of time. "I know he'll try to talk me out of it" sort of thing. But when I didn't react emotionally. When I remained calm and resolute, and even seemed accommodating, it took her by surprise. It made her curious wondering what was up. She often would immediately back down from it. "We'll that is the way I felt, but I am not sure." And it always made her move closer back as she started to doubt the decision.
You've got this though. You are a strong, independent lady! You don't need a man, even this particular man, for validation. You are capable of anything life has to throw at you! You will not only survive, no matter what, but thrive!
Hey dilly. I know we had a bit of a conflicting oppinion in another post between the sexes, misogyny and misandry. I highly encourage what Steve has said to you above. But for the right reasons. Because of the way your husband is currently treating you, your marriage, and your family. I want to see you become independent, I want to see you strong, I want to see you go from surviving to thriving, I want to see you not needing a man. But....I have seen these phrases in countless times in relationship book, articles, and podcasts related to women's divorce, seperation, and relationship management. Yes it is empowering to the reader, as it should be, but it also encourages bitterness torwards the opposite sex as well. Depening on the audience it is intended for. It encourages not working things out and going solo to save yourself. Although good to get through the quagmire of troubled relationships, or lack thereof. What long term consequences does this have? It could save you, it could land you a better man in the future, it could empower you to make life changes you never thought were possible. But? What consequences could it have torwards your family in the long term future? If the way your husband is treating you is not helping you, by all means leave the relationship. But for the right reasons and weigh the cost short term and long.
I think we all get caught up in taglines and euphemisms and certain generalizations from different sources while seeking answers to all of our situations. Mine as of lately happens to be from the "Red Pill" Community regarding men going their own way, women and feminism in general. It's like a mind virus. I cannot tell you how many times I have read from other people's profiles that have taglines in that's a "treat others as the way you want to be treated" it is great advice. but when you see the countless amount of times the same taglines from all different people in all different walks of life, you have to ask yourself who is the author and what is their intention, and what audience do they intend to captivate? it's also like the old saying when you point a finger at someone there's three pointing back at you. people who go through trouble and hardship are very easily influenced by others because they're trying to find a solution. If we weren't we wouldn't be here subscribe to MWD'S ideas and theories. I am also guilty of subscribing to other people's ideologies when I'm in search of something. Sometimes I have to step back and ask myself are these ideas true to reality and are they of my own? I'm genuinely not trying to start a battle between misogyny and misandry, but simply trying to distinguish the differences between the sexes and how they think, feel, and act in general. To become more aware of it to clear up any misunderstandings or communication issues. I'm not even that concerned with my wife right now. I'm more concerned with our society as a whole and the divorce rate. it's an epidemic and we need to be the change for the right reasons. There are clearly major divisions between the sexes being implemented on purpose with a mix of some good ideologies and some extremely bad ones. I try to be a free and independent thinker throughout all the saturated media of looking for answers to things in life. Sometimes we get caught up in what we are currently learning. Hope this clears up any misunderstandings between us
I'm more concerned with our society as a whole and the divorce rate. it's an epidemic and we need to be the change for the right reasons.
I'm starting with the man in the mirror I'm asking him to change his ways And no message could have been any clearer If you want to make the world a better place (If you want to make the world a better place) Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
