You can both manage to parent the kids, be roomates until: 1. She gives you evidence she really wants to work. 2. You decide you've had enough and file 3. You give yourself small timelines that you want to work toward. (ie by the end of Summer let's see where we are)
What my W has essentially told me (and I tread carefully here because words can betray true feelings, and her feelings themselves may be fluctuating for all I know):
- She is really confused what she wants, but she is not happy with how things are. - She feels fear around me. - She does not trust me, in particular as a romantic partner. - She doesn't even know if space would help or not, she just requested it. - She said she wants to see improvement on my emotional issues - this is confusing as heck, because I have been so even-keel lately, but I will keep going to IC and working on myself.
Now, I would argue basically all of the above are W's own issues. I cannot really do anything to change how she feels, other than be the best UC I can be. You might say she's feeding me BS, but then she makes statements about how we used to be, and how she wants to get back to that, and really doesn't want D. Sigh...I don't know what to believe anymore. Just a lot of information to process.
Let's set aside the "stay in the house" issue for one moment... I think it's clear where the forum mostly stands, and also clear that I'm waffling, and I'm aware of the dangers of ignoring this advice.
My W just told me directly we cannot be roommates and manage the kids. She will not accept that. Technically we are officially separated because she asked for it in M. I do agree on your 3 bullets being critical:
1. Evidence she wants to work - what UC wants to see is that we continue to go to MC and W gets off the abuse narrative and onto the "we need to communicate better" narrative. This will be a work in progress. I also need to see her accept the consequences of separation -- (again let's ignore the house for a moment) -- no "playing family" for instance. If abuse keeps coming up it's going to scare the s@#$ out of me that she's going to make some move for 100% custody or something and it will push us right out of being able to trust each other... because I also lack the necessary trust to build an intimate MR right now.
2. This option exists at any time, for both of us.
3. Small timelines - part of MC would include this. The MC seemed like he would help drive this as well. A 6 month separation is not "let's put our heads in the sand and then look up 6 months from now". I agree. MC is a great way to measure weekly progress.
Now what exactly are small timelines and measurable goals? I don't know. Need to think more about that. But yeah we can't wait until November and say "How are things going?"
Actually... I have zero clue how reconciliation even works in a separation situation. Honestly. Do couples reinitiate date night after awhile? I don't get it at all. It seems like the very nature of separation makes it almost impossible to rekindle anything. Or is ti just one spouse decides "Hey let's move back in together it seems like things are better."
