Thank you so much for all your support! ((( to all )))

day 2 of a new rollercoaster ride.
I left you to drive D16 to our meeting point. It was scheduled for 6h00pm.
We got there 10 min. early. We waited on the side of the road for 1h10 min.
He apologized for being late. Said he had a quick stop to make before coming.
He asked what was i planning for next week because he was away for work.
My face showed desapointment and in my head, " what??? As if. ARGGGGG!!!"
i replied: i' ll take the week off i guess or i' ll schedule her all week.

Ex-h: and then what? Will she be moving in with me for the summer?

Me: i want her to keep working with me. I do not want to lose her, i do not want to be replace"

Ex-h: ( tone of voice rising) YOU ATE NOT GETTING REPLACE. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD"

me: ( high tone to) I cannot be a mother to her if i am not around her.

Ex-h: how do you think i feel?

Me: You wanted this.. not me

Ex-h: I know.. You are damaging the kids with the things you tell them. That' s why they do not come to see me.you make them feel bed.

Me: i want her to keep her job. She lost her home, she lost her bf, she cannot lose her job to. It is too much.

Ex h: then what? You will cling on to her all the time? She won' t be able to hang around friends?
You know that if she is here, she will go right back.

Me: i know!!

Ex-h:: your screaming and the things you say to them is making them feel like they are betraying you. It makes them feel guilty. You do not realise how much damage you do to them.
And now, we have to deal with this!

Now, my anxiety rises and i feel low, responsable, angry that he pins this on me yet he will leave next week.
I feel like i caused this. I start shaking. I walk to my car.
He jumps in his truck and drive off furious.
I sit down, cry, cry and cry.
I ask D18 to please switch seat and take the wheel.
She does and she asked what has happen i tell her that it is pin on me. That i damage them. That i am the reason all of this is happening and he does not get how is gf makes me feel replaced. That i cannot be a mother to a child who is not around.
I am a mess and i am late to meet a friend. But i need her so i go to see her.
Right away, she ask: you were crying..what is it?
I tell her what just happened and i do not know what to do
By addressing one problem, i feel i created a new one and i do not know what is the solution
She tells me that i did really well with all my kids. That i am a great mother and i will find a solution.
Even D16 who messed up is still a good kid. They all are.

I call D18 to come and pick me up.
As soon as we get home, ex-h texts D18 to let me know he is calling the house.

The conversation started with trying to put a plan in action for D16.
We both agree that she cannot be here with me. We argued on the work issue. Then the accusation started again. I am a f*ck up who damages the kids.
I told him that i would not damage anybody else. I was done.( i was devastated and destroyed. Shaking and once again, leaving it all. I felt like a whortless piece of .... )

I packed a bag and as i was getting in the car, D18 opened the door.
" what are you doing?
Me: " i have done enough damage to everyone."

I closed the door and left.. 45 min. later, i stop. I text my boss saying i was sorry to do this again but i had to quit. I did not know when i would return.

1h00 later, i stop again, try to look at the situation dead on..
Where am i gonna go? What was gonna happen? What was i gonna do?
No matter what, i would eventually have to return to address the house, the bills etc..
As for D16, losing her bf, her friends, her house, her job and now her mom.. now i would definately be the reason. NO NO NO i cannot not give up.
First thing, no matter what, i need to adress the house. I need to sell it. That is 100 percent sure.
I do jot want to make any decision when i am like this because my plan changes with my moods.
But the house is a sure " must sell and get out of this town ".