Expecting BD soon #5

[si13]

U

I haven't been on here in a while, but I have been reading your posts most days watching what is like a mirror image of my situation at home.

3 kids under 8, M almost 13 years, W wants out from emotional abuse, that she told me she wanted to stop 18 months ago - then she started an almost year long A. She confessed the PA, only to discover she was having a concurrent EA. She has never let go of that to 'work' on the MR.

She stopped MC about 2 months ago to BD. I have have been in turmoil ever since.

But what has resonated with me from everyone here: LH, Steve, AS and others is - you're not in a position to negotiate or win your marriage back anymore by conceding or acquiescing to her needs.

If she wants separation, she can figure that out. It's not mean, it's not uncooperative, it's not manipulative. It's your position, it's your boundary. No matter how much guilt or shame you feel from your years of doing things - you know those things now. You can't live in that place anymore. My W wants me to though. She doesn't want to hear changes OR even see them. It doesn't match her narrative. She continues to bring me articles about abuse, patriarch, women's issues.

STAY in the house. If you're not going to file, STAY in the house. It's your house. They're your kids. And quite frankly you potentially could set yourself up to get less in custody if you leave.

Not many (if any) guys have talked about them leaving OR nesting working for them.

She can have her space. She can go out. She can sleep downstairs. She can stay at a friends. That's her choice.

If you're going to wait this out, stand strong in your standard. I am doing myself to maintain hope, it's not working. But I'm not leaving.

My W is a SAHM, I'd feel horrible to do anything that feels like kicking her out financially BUT this is the family agreement we talked about before we even had kids. I'm not going to feel guilty about me bringing home all the money and her not having the opportunity to because we agreed she'd raise the kids at home.

But things are different now. She's declaring independence. But that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. You can support your family. But you can set your boundaries. Don't finance her fun. Heck they are your boundaries, if she's not going to move toward you with her choices....honestly, what do you have to lose?

I am going back through this entire thread to RE-READ and RE-READ everyone's amazing encouragement and advice because I want to be healthy. I am tired of being a sniveling weakling that my wife can control by throwing me a bone every once in a while saying she is still conflicted. Her actions have said otherwise.

You can both manage to parent the kids, be roomates until:
1. She gives you evidence she really wants to work.
2. You decide you've had enough and file
3. You give yourself small timelines that you want to work toward. (ie by the end of Summer let's see where we are)

You're a great dude U. It absolutely [censored] to be in this position to let this dream die of what we thought would be the absolute love of our lives. I feel all of what you're going through. I'm codependent, I'm manipulative, I'm controlling but I really want to get healthy.

And if you want to make healthy choices, these guys (and gals) up here have given you enough to live on for the next several weeks.