I confirm today that W is depressed with herself and sich, and is looking on working on that with IC to find activities and purpose while single mom, seperated, and work on self esteem, and is conflicted with herself about the whole thing, according to a IC document I saw left out on table. She doesn't know if I broke her or she doesn't know she's broken, or what could be a combination of both? PTSD, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, BLAME AND GUILT SHIFTING. While it may have some validity, I didn't break her, and its not my job to fix her or her perceptions. But empathize with it. But it is my job to either change my behaviors or not demonstrate the bad ones at all.
I'm trying to say here she's probably second-guessing herself on whether it's her, or whether it's you? They will most likely say that they are only reacting to you which is partly true. You could even say the same thing that you are only reacting to her and the situation. So what do you do? Remove all reactivity and situations that may prompt such for now.
Like LH19 said. She thinks you are fragile, unreliable, independable, and emotionally insecure. PROVE HER WRONG! Like Nails also said. Make a decision to stay in the house.Communicate it calmly and even temoered, and let her figure out the rest for herself. Like AS also said. She knows that if she moves out it's going to put her in a difficult decision in court, as well as her own well being financially. She knows she needs time to stage all of this which is the whole purpose of the 6-month trial separation. She is staging to buy herself more time to get away from you. you are not stopping her and you are not controlling her and you are not manipulating her. She's free to do as she pleases but you are sticking to your guns and staying in the house and the MBR. You are protecting yourself your home your castle and your kids.
You have to get used to not engaging in any dramatic behavior. You have to get used to being comfortable with the silence between you and her. You have to get comfortable with any move she makes on incremental basis away from you and the marriage.
When you stand your ground on these things she's going to try to Gaslight you, make you feel guilty, and manipulate you into giving in to achieve her end goal. They won't realize that that they are doing this, and are being manipulative what they are. They feel like they are owed some kind of suffrage for putting up with you. What they want is to not only get away from you but either keep the house and the children, or push you out if it, or even like in my case, sell it to not only get away from you, but make a gain from it to start a new life. and they try to get you to agree to it on their terms. By all means pay for your kids and take care of them. Ill input more later W just pulled up in driveway.
IHCLACS - This really resonated for me. To be completely honest, sometimes I find your posts to be very edgy and sometimes you sound angry at women in general and it makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry but at this fragile state I prefer blunt honesty. And please continue to deliver it back to me as well.
But this post resonated so much with my own situation. And like you I empathize with my W even if I don't agree.
My home and castle will need to be sold, unless we R. It is a fact. It is a physical structure. What I care about is that it is my kids' home. Other than that it is largely symbolic.
Ignore the home issue for a second, My W wants time and space. She wants to get back to work. She is a wreck. She admitted some weeks she drank a bottle of wine every night, others she was stress-eating. I noticed ALL of this. She is a mess, and if she says it's the stress of being around me, by all means, I will separate. Living together is not healthy right now. I'm not even saying I think we can ever reconcile. I think the combo as you said of PTSD, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, BLAME and GUILT SHIFTING -- that is a HUGE mountain to climb. I have no control over whether she can get over it. It seems impossible when I look at it. And then she talks about the past and how she wants to get back to that place. How D is the last thing she wants, but she just can't keep living like this. I can only be reliable, dependable, and emotionally stable. Which is good for me anyways.
Standing my ground on the house? It is summer time. My kids are out of school. I work FT. My W moves, I don't see how the kids stay at the house. They need their mom. As awful as this situation is, they need her as primary caretaker. So then they need to move also. They need me too. It's a mess.
Yes I feel manipulated, guilted, etc. I also feel like I can stand my ground in other ways. Come over for dinner with the kids at the house? That's playing family, probably not a good idea. Get a 1BR place and have the kids sleep over periodically? Actually I think creating a 2nd home with rooms for the kids is a better idea, Dad's house, with a set custody-style schedule that we agree upon. I mean, this would basically be the same as a D situation, except my W stays in the house instead of selling and moving somewhere else.
Anyways... I get it. I'm too nice, easy-going, amicable. I still want things to "work out" whether we D, S, or R. I don't care so much about the outcome anymore, but I am still liable to cave to demands.
